I was lying in a hospital bed after having an Eclamptic Seizure in the hospital the night before - lying there totally out of it, nobody knew if I would live or not, if my baby would live or not. The odds were very much against us.
My husband was sitting by my side feeling helpless while I was induced for 44 hours [the Mag Sulfate kept me from making progress until they turned it down]. Things were about to get worse before they got better when my baby crashed horribly in the last hour of labor.
I remember so clearly realizing that I was probably going to die, that the medical staff at Northside hospital [who had *caused* this to happen with the absolutely horrific "medical" care they didn't give] was probably going to kill me, that my children would be without a mother, that my baby was probably going to die with me [because the medical staff I had foolishly entrusted our care to was FAR too incompetent to get her out in time if I did die], that my husband would be raising our children alone...
I remember spending that night with my poor, foggy, brain damaged mind - I could do nothing but pray. I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy all night long. I couldn't sleep ... I just prayed and prayed. I prayed for God's Will to be done. I prayed for my poor children. I prayed for my husband. I prayed for my sweet baby who might never take her first breath.
Whew.
I've been really dwelling on this for the last week, coming up on this 'Annivesary'. I've been having trouble sleeping again and thinking and dreaming about it obsessively.... all the old anger at the doctors and incompetent medical staff coming back [since what happened might have been totally prevented by anything even remotely similar to decent medical care]. Reliving the fear for my baby and my own life.
And reliving the fear in the aftermath that my brain damage would never get better - not knowing if I'd ever be able to read again, or drive, or speak like a normal person... if I would require 24 hour care that would drain our family finances beyond bearing... if I would ever be able to mother our children adequately again by myself...
And also I feel grateful for how well it all turned out in the end - for the absolute Miracles that God performed for us. Most of my brain damage is gone 1 year post partum, and my baby girl [who did almost die and crashed horribly at the end of the labor] is doing just *fabulous* and is a complete joy to my life!
I hope this will get easier as the years go by. I guess it must or people would go insane, but I have been really surprised at the intensity of my emotion this week - really shocked at how upset I *still* feel about all that happened.
A small evil part of me still wants to fire bomb Northside hospital. [Don't worry - I'd call in the threat first so they could get everyone out and no one would be harmed... even the rotten, worthless, evil people that pass for medical staff at their hideous "birth center".]
But... I won't of course. :) Just in case you were worried.
Instead I will live my revenge by enjoying this miraculous life that God has so generously provided and by enjoying *thoroughly* this little baby girl - The Girl Who Lived. :)
Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ!
6 comments:
How horrible and wonderful...all at the same time! I should tell you about my awful experience with Niklaus. The nurses were wonderful. It was the doctor that made me so angry I was ready to get up off the bed and throttle him. If he would have been my first baby, I doubt I would ever have any more after that...it was that bad!
Kelly, that first anniversary of a traumatic event is SO hard. The first year after my husband's stroke I had horrible flash-backs and my emotions were all in an uproar for weeks. It DOES get easier, though, every year that passes it becomes less and less important. Last year (6 years since his stroke) we actually *forgot* that anniversary day - and we celebrated the fact that we forgot when we finally remembered - forgetting was definitely a victory!
Just try to be really gentle with yourself this week. Between this anniversary, and your upcoming surgery, lots of emotions are to be expected. Hug that precious little babe, and try to relax a bit. I'll be praying for you!
Hallelluja! You and the lovely littlest monkey are still here!
I would soo love to talk with you about this since the Pre-eclampsia is something we have in common. And a terrible mismangement by the health care providers. both pregnancies - OH!
The hand of God must have held you since you're both still here.
( Remember the nearly sentimental "Footprints"?
"It was then that I carried you")
God Bless you Catholic Mama! Make this a Happy Anniversary - Cake and all! My mother and I usually celebrate her "anniversary" when she had cancer surgery, nearly 20 years ago. Twenty years of livin'. Your blog has been such a blessing to me this past several months.
PS I finally got my blog up!
There's something about knowing that someone actually *caused* it to be as bad as it was (as if pe isn't bad enough on its own) that makes it very hard to digest. Even today, almost four years out, I remember flying to the hospital with an abruption because my doctor told me they were waiting for me 'crash and burn' before they took action. When he came to L&D at midnight that night to save us, he said "this is what we've been waiting for," so, yeah, I understand the anger in it all.
The joys of having that little person here and well eventually softens the angers and dulls its edges - or none of us would be sane.
Happy BIRTHDAY to the littlest monkey!
I'm so sorry you had such a horrific time, but so grateful that you & the littlest monkey pulled through and are healthy and growing today! I thought of you often during my last pregnancy when my BP started climbing and my doc was fairly aggressive in putting me on bedrest, etc. I remembered how frustrated you were in prior pregnancies by the lack of care of your docs -- so very frustrating!!
I hope you can find some enjoyment in this anniversary -- the lives that are here!
test post, test post!
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