End of Sept Update

Hey, just wanted to update everyone. I apologize that I have been lousy about returning personal emails and phone calls. I really am still overwhelmed, PLEASE don't anyone take it personally. :) All the support I'm getting from you guys is what is keeping me [sorta] sane. LOL!

So, my son went camping last night with his God Father [thank you Jesus for Good Men in my son's life!] The girls and I got up and went to 8:30 Mass and I actually got to receive the Eucharist for the first time since ... my husband left? [weeks and weeks anyway]. I did not have to run from the Church in shame dragging 5 misbehaving children - it was wonderful. LOL!

Thank Goodness. :)

I taught a weekend class Friday and Saturday/yesterday. A wonderful friend came over Friday night to watch my children. The baby, of course, cried her head off all night. I felt so bad - my friend was really nice about it and she was SO great with the kids - they all LOVED her. But I feel so guilty leaving my baby to cry, and leaving my friend to deal with it, but I'm trapped - I *have* to work to keep the family afloat. :( I hate having no options like this.

Then, yesterday I taught all day and my parents came and babysat. My dad is the ONLY person in the world my baby likes as much as she likes me - she will stay with my dad all day and not cry, so that was a blessing.

Here is a picture of the baby with my mom and dad yesterday:



And here's another picture of her just being cute:



My children's father canceled his visitation for today [AGAIN - his second cancellation this week]. For anyone who is trying to keep up, he has visited his children exactly *twice* since he left more than 5 weeks ago, with one additional very brief stop over for a dinner for Monkey1's birthday. [He came back one other time, but that was to "get his stuff", not to see his children]. This time he canceled it so he could help his coworker's friend move - someone he doesn't even really know. I can see why that would be more important to a man than seeing his children, can't you? Then he emailed me and asked me to "tell the kids I love them and I miss them". Is he serious?

I'm trying to figure out "What would Jesus do", but I don't know. My husband is lucky we don't live in Texas, because I think I have a really great case for the "He needed Killin' Defense". LOL!

Free!

So, Jesus did something really cool for me last night. :)

I was having a really bad night, I mean seriously bad. I'd had a bad week actually. I was feeling so sad, just devastated. I was feeling powerless to move on. I was feeling totally overwhelmed and completely unable to move forward into this strange new life my husband has handed me. I was missing my husband so bad it hurt. I was bawling my eyes out all evening [after I got the kids to bed]. I was totally in despair.

And I remembered something I've read in a couple of places lately - that Jesus will send you His consolation if you ask for it. And so I did - I just prayed and prayed for Jesus to heal my heart and take away the terrible, unbearable pain I was feeling. After I prayed, I messed around on the computer for a while [and posted about my toddler's amazing antics :) ].

An hour or so later, I realized I felt *better*. I mean really better. The pain was gone. I am still sad, but I am no longer devastated. And I woke up today feeling 100% better than I have in weeks.

We had a great day! I was happy, lighter, full of hope and laughter. In turn, my children were also. [You know how that works right - the kids always feed off their mama!].

I realized today that Jesus has great things planned for me. My life is not over. To the contrary, I think its about to get a lot better.

Today I had the very clear understanding that Jesus was happy with me. Happy that I was willing to stick with a tough situation and protect my marriage despite my husband's mental and physical illnesses. Happy that I tried so hard to get my husband to reconcile. Happy that I have not become overrun with anger and hatred for my husband. Happy that I have committed to do my best to raise these 5 children up for His Glory - all by myself. I have done what Jesus wanted me to do.

And in return, I feel so full of confidence that He is caring for me, that He has great plans for me and my poor abandoned children. I realize today that this unhappiness, this terrible burden I've born for all these years - this is not what Jesus had planned for me. Free Will is a heck of thing. Jesus gave my husband a devoted wife, who would have sacrificed anything for his wellbeing, and 5 *beautiful* children who are the delight of all who know them. And in return my husband mistreated us all and then turned his back and abandoned us to go live a life of sin. This was not Jesus' plan. But He can turn the worst misery into something fantastic.

Now I belong in whole to Jesus - I am no longer bound. I am free to follow the Will of God, and God is caring for me and my children so tenderly.

I don't know what road Jesus is setting me on - I only know that with all my heart I want to follow it. Maybe He is calling me to joy-filled religious life after my children are grown. Maybe He has just the right devout Catholic Widower who would be ecstatic to be my husband. [Maybe that man has 7 kids too - I always wanted an even dozen. How cool would that be?! LOL! ;) ]

So, I really feel like I've crossed a bridge here - and now I am happy to be on the other side with my Lord. I trust His lead and I am happy to follow.

I am going to forever after this remember "If You Want Me To: The Best of Ginny Owens" as the CD that got me through my divorce. Today I feel like this:

Free
by Ginny Owens

Turnin' molehills into mountains,
Makin' big deals out of small ones,
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens,
This is how it's been.
Fear of coming out of my shell,
Too many things I can't do too well,
afraid I'll try real hard, and I'll fail--
This is how it's been.
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door,
And You shouted joyfully,
"You're not a slave anymore!"

Chorus:
"You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love,
'Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free

My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity and changed the course of history,
Because You loved me so.
And my heart cannot understand
Why You'd accept me as I am,
But You say You've always had a plan,
And that's all I need to know.
So when I am consumed by what the world will say,
it's Then You're singing to me, as You remove my chains-

Bridge:
Free from worry, free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile


In other news, I didn't kill my toddler today, and this is why:



How can you strangle them when they are so darn cute? LOL! Tonight she told me she loved me for the first time ever! She has been telling her dad this for a LONG time - maybe a year or more, but would never say it to me. I am constantly telling her I love her, but she never says it back. Tonight I told her I loved her and she looked me right in the eye and said "I love you too Mommy!" Boy, I sure am glad I decided to let her live yesterday. :)

We are back on track with homeschool - after a few hit or miss weeks [for obvious reasons!] we've had a full and great week. Here are the monkeys at school:



Monkey3 got smacked in the mouth by her brother accidentally and has a big fat purple lip. I tried to get a picture of it and really couldn't. This was the best I could do:



And I got a hair cut. I like it. :)

Why?

I hate to be the one to ask stupid questions, but I have a few questions for my toddler....

WHY did you pull a giant knife out of the kitchen drawer while I was nursing the baby? And why, then, did you stick it in the butter that I had put up out of your reach and proceed to smear butter all over the kitchen and yourself? And HOW did you manage that in two minutes - the baby wasn't even latched on before your sister started screaming about the butter all over the tile....

Why did you take the baby's goldfish and smash them all over the kitchen and family room while I was in the bathroom?

Why did you steal another knife and take it to the bathroom to cut up stuff? [again while the baby nursed...what is it with you and knives and the baby needing to nurse?]

Why did you take a pencil and stab all the grapes and squash them all over the floor while you were supposed to be eating lunch?

Why do you constantly remove all cushions from any sofa you can get to?

Why did you fill a bucket with dirt from the back yard and then spread it all over the kitchen tile?

Why did you push the ice dispenser over and over until ice was all over the floor?

Why did you steal your sister's cup and fill it with water from the fridge dispenser until the water ran down your arm, soaking all your clothes, and then into a big puddle at your feet?

Why did you stab your big brother with a pen? Several times through the day?

Why did you refuse to buckle into your car seat every time we had to leave the house and then have a meltdown when I did it for you? [after giving you fair warning?]

Why did you steal your father's old girl scout cookies from the freezer and run off and hide while you bit the package open with your teeth so you could eat them?

Why do you keep stealing cans of food from the pantry, taking them to the playroom, and removing the lables and tearing the labels into tiny pieces? Because, you know, if you WANT all of your meals to be a surprise, I can just NOT tell you what we are having...

Why do you refuse to get dressed and then freak out because I'm not helping you get dressed and then freak out because I *try* to help you get dressed - and then scream "me do it myself" - until I pick up the baby and then you throw yourself into the floor screaming that you need my help? And doesn't it hurt to throw your body backwards into the floor like that?

Why have you lost one half of every pair of shoes you have - which is at least 6 pair? What do you do with them? Are you burying them somewhere in the back yard? Do you feed them to the dog? Do you have access to an alternate dimension that I am not aware of?

Why must you write on every book anyone loans to our family?

Why must you sneak pens and give all your baby dolls prison tatoos?

Why must you also give yourself prison tatoos?

And what was the deal with my bedroom carpet? I mean, OK, I get the whole squirting out the whole tube of toothpaste into the carpet [again...] while I'm bathing your sister, but really - HOW did you break into that childproof cabinet and remove that Clorox Cleanup and then successfully spray it all over the smeared into the carpet toothpaste in a large circle in the middle of my bedroom floor? And how did you do that in 3 minutes? And are you happy with that decorating decision? Personally, I thought the carpet was a good color before you made the change.

Why take the whole bag of Newman's Own chocolate alphabet cookies and scatter them from one end of the downstairs to the other? What do you have against Paul Newman?!

Why are you naked almost all the time no matter how many clothes you originally put on?

Why poop in your pull up and then take it off outside in the backyard and then sit your poopy bottom in the dirt for a while before you come in and tell me "Mama, I poopy". Didn't that hurt? I mean, I've scrubbed some pretty noxious crud off your booty before, but never sticks and rocks...

Do you bi-locate? Because honestly, I do NOT know how you manage to do all this in one day. I wish I could hire you to do something constructive, because girl, you are definitely a *GO GETTER*. If I survive your toddlerhood, it will be really fun to see how you turn out.

Monkey1 is NINE years old!

How does this happen? I know I just gave birth to this girl a few weeks ago... and I turn around and she's NINE!



She and I made her cake from scratch and boy was it yummy!



It turned out to look pretty too - which was cool since it was our first time decorating a cake ever! She picked the colors and wanted lavender flowers on it. Did I mention it tasted awesome?! :)



Isn't she beautiful?



Good mothers probably don't squirt frosting directly into their children's mouths, but hey, they loved it! Besides it WAS all natural and homemade! :)




Monkey1 got to celebrate her birthday for a whole week - ending with a trip to the new American Girl store with her Nana, who bought her everything she wanted there. I think she had an awesome birthday and she sure deserves it!

And The Baby Screams On....

OK, I'm having a not so good day today.

The baby cries all the time. It is killing me. She has this "I MUST be held at all times and only by mama" thing going on - she is happy as long as I am holding her or have her in the baby back pack. If I don't do one of those two things for even a second, she screams her head off. [And I imagine this is stemming from abandonment issues since this cropped up right after her dad skipped out in the middle of the night].

It is exhausting. Seriously. I LOVE to hold my children. NONE of my children have ever had to sit in a bouncy seat or exersaucer and cry - they just haven't. And now, my poor little Monkey5 is *having* to do that sometimes - every single day. There are times when I need to cook, when I don't feel comfortable having her in the backpack. There are times when I need to bathe other children where I can't hold her. There are even times when I have to use the bathroom where it is difficult to hold her. ;)



Hearing my baby cry, and knowing that I am doing the *BEST* that I can - I am running at 200% ALL the time, 24/7 - and knowing that it is NOT enough and will never be enough. Ugh. Its just heart breaking.

And when she's crying, I get very short tempered. If I'm trying to get the toddler dressed, for instance, and she is resisting [which, of course, she always does - no matter which tricks and magic I try to use to get her to cooperate], and the baby is crying because I can't hold her and toddler wrangle at the same time - well, I get irrationally frustrated with the toddler - I want to scream at her "The baby is crying and it is YOUR FAULT because you won't cooperate so I can finish this and go pick her up!!!!". Which, of course, it isn't her fault at all. Its her father's fault. And he's the one I really want to scream at every single time I see my precious baby turning beet red and screaming and crying massive tears - it wounds my heart and I wish he had to pay somehow for that and for what my baby is going through.



And then there is the two year old. This kid is a force of nature - I mean, she truly is. I am sure one day she is going to be famous for something spectacular because she's too smart and too full throttle not to be. But when she's 2 and I am a single mother... well, it gets a bit weary. I want to make a list of all the crazy, destructive things she did just today, but it wears me out even trying to recount it all. Suffice to say it was enough damage and frustration for a normal toddler to accomplish over a month or two. But not my Monkey4, no, she has to *excel* and pack all that destruction into one day.

*sigh*

Its actually causing me problems with my job, because people are hesitant to baby sit her because she "gets into things". [This is my friends being polite - it really means "That kid is a force of destruction and there is no way you are leaving her at our house again". LOL!] I have a couple of brave friends who will still watch her, but I think even those brave souls are growing frustrated.

And there's nothing I can really do about it - she's not trying to be "bad", she's not even trying to be destructive - its just who she is. She is *indomitable*! [Look that up - it is the perfect definition of this kid! LOL! "Incapable of being overcome, subdued, or vanquished; unconquerable."]

And as she gets older, I know it will really make her into the most fascinating person, the most truly amazing human. And it makes her truly amazing right now - but gosh, I'm so tired... ;)




Which brings me to the 457th thing I feel depressed about today - my house is a disaster area. I just had that cleaning service in a week or so ago, and you'd never know it. This picture above is Monkey4 after she dumped the entire toy box out all over the playroom [and the contents of one toy box can cover an entire 12x12 floor I found out....] so she could climb in. A foolish person would maybe even ask her "Why on earth did you do that?" But of course, the answer would be "because I could".

I made a "last ditch effort" to save my marriage this weekend. Even swallowing my pride enough to offer my husband the deal that he could continue to live separately and just see us when he felt stable enough to be here - otherwise he could do whatever he wanted. He called this morning to tell me he still wants the divorce and doesn't really want to be involved with our family. And he was being really mean and rude to me. Now I feel stupid for even trying, but gosh - I just felt like Jesus wouldn't want me to give up on him without really trying my *best* to save him and the marriage.

Well, at least I can walk away knowing I really tried my hardest to save this marriage. And I'm still so totally blindsided. Two months ago I thought I was blessed with one of the happiest marriages I knew and I was *totally* devoted to this guy. My head is still spinning that he is capable of this and I never realized it. How stupid am I?

Well, I guess that's a pretty open ended question isn't it. ;)

He has, quite literally, broken my heart. I still can't wrap my brain around what he has done. I am just trying now to make sure I don't let him break my spirit [because today I feel really, really broken].

So, now I just try to muddle on through. I am tired and I am overwhelmed. Sometimes things are REALLY bad here [like tonight - it was really bad. I mean awful.] Most of the time things are going pretty good - I'd say 80% of our days are good ones, and I know that number will increase as time goes on.

I have to figure out some way to relate to my husband without feeling hurt every time I see him, and that's hard. [Not that I see him much - I've seen him 3 times in 4.5 weeks]. And I have to figure out how to help the kids do the same - they are on TERRIBLE behavior for about 48 hours after they see him and they can't sleep, they wake up all night, they fight, scream, yell and generally make life very difficult. Maybe its not such a bad thing that he doesn't want to be around. We just have to learn how to live without him when we all adored him so much. I know we will get that down.

And Jesus still hasn't sent me any obvious signs, but I've decided to try to keep our house. The emotional impact of quite literally losing *everything* because my husband decided to run away and be a swinger ... gosh, it was just too much. Letting the house go was just too depressing, and trying to move with 5 children in the middle of a divorce was making me feel so overwhelmed I wanted to just drown myself. So, I'm going to try to stay here for the next year or so and then reconsider then - and by then I'll actually have some equity in the house, a much better place to be. Besides, nobody wants to rent a home to a woman with 5 kids and 2 dogs in the first place - I'm not sure we could have found anywhere to live!

Waiting for a Sign...

I am still very confused about where to move and what is God's will for us and our housing situation. I'm praying frequently about it, and I went to Adoration today. I am asking Jesus to send me a clear sign [because I can be dense about subtlety LOL!]

It occurred to me today that God is asking me to stretch myself and reach for extraordinary holiness. I feel kind of afraid, but I also feel for the first time ever that I am absolutely open to this - to whatever God wants of me, no matter how painful or how hard. I am ready to go blindly and with full confidence to where ever He leads, and I've been trying to get to this place for a long time - it has taken a lot of God breaking me down to get me here.

Pride has been my biggest sin. Pride is such a sneaky thing - we feel "justified" about getting our feelings hurt when people do bad things, even just thoughtless things. Pride is the root of so much deadly sin - Avarice, Jealousy, Wrath, Judgementalism, Selfishness, Unforgiveness, the list just goes on and on. I can probably find a way that Pride is at the root of almost every sin.

It is good for me to recognize this. God has been really working on Pride in me, and I think God has finally had a breakthrough [I have not been an easy person to work in LOL!].

I have had to learn humility in these recent weeks. I've had to make choices about how I am going to behave and what I am going to do - and I've decided to behave well and do what God tells me, not just what I want [you will notice that my husband yet lives and breathes.. LOL!] ;) .

It has been hard not to hate my husband, but I really don't. I feel sad for him. There are flashes of anger that surge up, but mostly I just feel sorry for him [but not so much that I won't protect my children mind you].

It has been hard to admit to every person I know that he walked out on us. It has been bizarre, humiliating, awkward, and just SO beyond shocking.

It has been hard to accept help, some times a lot of help. But if I try to do it all on my own right now, my children will suffer.

It has been hard to know that my children are hurting and that I can't stop that. It has been hard to be in a situation where I don't control what is happening to my children.

I think maybe, hopefully, finally I have learned the lesson I should have learned so long ago - it is in God's hands. No matter what evil human beings may do, God will bring good out of it. His plan is better than mine - so, SO much better.

For the first time in my life I feel at peace with Luke 12:22-31:

" 22 He said to (his) disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear.
23 For life is more than food and the body more than clothing.
24 Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds!
25 Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan?
26 If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest?
27 Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them.
28 If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
29 As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore.
30 All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them.
31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides."

How cool is that? :)

And Sometimes I'm Just Silly....

So, my kids have been singing this one nursery rhyme over and over for weeks and it is totally stuck in my head. Do you know this one? "Oh Dear, what can the matter be?" and it goes on and on about Johnny who is running late bringing back ribbons from the fair? Well, I can't get it out of my head [I'm even driving my kids crazy because I keep accidentally singing it under my breath LOL!]. And now it has evolved into its own lyrics to fit my life:

"Oh dear, where can your father be?
Oh dear, where can your father be?
Oh dear, where can your father be?
He promised he'd always be here!

He ran off and left me with a sweet little baby,
He ran off and left me with a sweet little baby,
He ran off and left me with a sweet little baby,
To pull out my bonny brown hair!"

[Guess who keeps pulling out my hair non-stop all day?! LOL!]

OK, yeah, I may just be nuts at this point. ;)

Things are good around here, more or less. We are doing much better than I ever would have thought we could do in this situation.

I think everything is going to work out OK. I think he's going to sign the divorce agreement, giving me both child support and some alimony. And he's taking the house and selling it.

Today he was reiterating the fact to me that he wanted a new life and wanted to be "somebody different". It seems that he has convinced himself that it is perfectly OK to do this as long as he takes care of the kids financially [and by taking care of them, I mean getting us AT poverty level as opposed to below it :( ]. He very clearly plans to finish this divorce and move on like we never existed.

The kids are all having abandonment issues now - and my 4year old is taking it worst of all.

Her sweet personality is really changing [she's being mean and disobedient and picking on and bullying the other kids now, and she used to be the sweetest, most obedient thing ever] and she keeps bursting into tears crying "I miss daddy! I want my daddy!". To her, he was her great dad that she adored, and she is too little to understand what is happening. It is heartbreaking.

And my 2yo is freaking out every time I leave her sight now and prior to this she was so independent it was like I didn't even exist. She has *never* cared whether I was in the room or not - I mean, she likes me and all, but she's always been such her "own little person" doing her own thing that she didn't have time to be bothered by whether mom was near by or not. Now she's afraid I'll abandon her too - and why not? Her daddy did. And she is TOTALLY too little to understand.

And the baby [8mo old now!] will NOT let me put her down at all - if I'm not holding her or having her in the backpack, she is SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF. It is *exhausting*. I like to hold her, I have always held her a lot [she lived her first 3 months ON MY BODY 24/7 LOL!], but I would like to be able to set her down with some toys for 15 minutes while I cook up dinner, you know? It is wearing me out.

And I've told my husband these things and he doesn't care *at all*. It doesn't bother him one bit.

But, abandonment issues aside, I think we are all doing much better now in his absence in the grand scale of things. ALL of us are more happy and relaxed, there is a million times less tension in our home [in fact, except when he visits, there is no tension]. I think it will work out OK in the long haul, my 4yo is the only one I'm really very worried about. I am trying to arrange lots of one on one time for her with friends and family, and especially my brother who she is best buddies with. I hope he will fill that need she has for a playful, loving father figure.

So, pray for all the monkeys, but especially for monkey3. She's an awesome little girl - and like all my kids - she deserves a lot better.

And what about me? I'm better. I was sad yesterday when I went to the lawyer and I was teary on and off all day, but his behavior is such now that I can't really say I will miss him. [I don't even know who he is actually]. I am really happy with my kids and our daily life is good. I dread moving [more than I can even express - we have had to move SO much in the past 6 years because of his health issues and problems that it makes me want to vomit. This will be our 5th move since 2002. ugh].

But other than that, I am happy. And I feel very peaceful about it all - I am praying and discerning and trusting the Lord to provide, and He is, of course. I feel like I am right where the Lord wants me to be at this moment, and He is working great things for the kids and I.

A Little Update

Well, I'm trying to keep this blog updated because I'm getting so little computer time [at least on nights I actually sleep :) ] that I am having trouble responding to email from dear friends right now. But I want to keep folks updated, so here's the latest.

We are doing really well, the kids and I. We have gotten our routine down. The kids are chilled out and I am chilled out and we are just relating without being stressed out. We've got the bedtime thing down. We've got dinner time sorta down [OK, the baby still spends most of my dinner prep time crying, but at least she no longer spends ALL of that time crying, poor thing!].

My sense of peace is very deep now. I feel the Lord caring for us, and I am feeling a remarkable absence of anger and sadness now. I feel *completely* open to God's plan, probably for the first time in my whole life.

Now I have to decide where to go from here. I have an appointment with my lawyer tomorrow. I am, I think, filing for divorce. Though my husband says he wants a divorce and refuses to try to reconcile, he isn't actually filing for a divorce, so its kind of weird.... but without a divorce or some sort of legal agreement, the kids and I have no protection and no claim to any of his income... sooooo.... I'm trying to figure out what to do. His behavior has been erratic too, so there is always the chance that the longer I wait, the more likely he is to go off the deep end. [I'm extremely worried about him actually, but I have realized that I must put the children's needs ahead of his right now because of the choices he's made].

After careful thought this weekend, and much advice from others, I have come to the conclusion that we cannot afford to keep our house. I love the house, the kids love the house, we don't want to move - but it would be a very irrational decision on my part to keep the house. We have a high interest rate loan, so even though the house is pretty modest, our payment is high. I don't think there is any way I will be able to swing that payment on child support and my part time salary. And, there is a lot of stuff wrong with the house that our home inspector missed when we bought it 18 months ago - it needs probably around 40,000 in repairs, and some of those repairs are going to have to be done soon.

So, I've decided to let my husband keep the house, and the kids and I are moving out to a rental. And I've asked him for a lot less money in exchange, since he'd be responsible for that mortgage.

Now I have to decide where. I can rent something very inexpensive in the town where I grew up, which is about an hour north of where I live [and have lived for the last 19 years]. I would be near my parents and my sister and brother, who have all been a God send over these last few weeks and they want to help me raise the kids. BUT, we have to leave behind the friends and support we have where we live now - and that is very painful. We have so many truly excellent Catholic friends and such a wonderful Catholic homeschool group locally - it is very hard to leave behind. My family is not Catholic, and that worries me too. I don't want the spiritual training of my children to suffer. But my family is very loving and they are great for the kids in other ways.

But, if I rent near where we live now, the rent will be MUCH higher for something smaller and less nice. Getting by on child support and my part time salary will be much harder if we stay where we are, and where our friends and support group are.

I just don't know what to do. The kids are excited about the idea of moving closer to their grandparents, I told them we'd try to get a home where we could have a couple of goats and some chickens [something I've always dreamed of :) ], and they are thrilled about that idea. And thrilled to be so close to their relatives. I am excited about that too. But I am both sad and afraid to leave behind the proximity to my dear friends and our Church family and homeschool group.

Its a tough choice.

But that's where things are right now.

So This is What I do When I Can't Sleep... LOL!

My friend Jen had this quiz on her blog and I couldn't resist. So, it looks like I'm a "Kinda Dorky Nerd Queen", but I peg the scale on history/lit geek-dome. No surprise there.

I also found out I'm a yellow crayon tonight too.

I wish I could sleep though. ;)

Semper Fi!

"Bravery is misunderstood. It is not the absence of fear, but the will to overcome it." - USMC Recruiting Website

19 years ago this week I graduated from Marine Corps Basic Training at Parris Island, South Carolina.

Wow. As I reflect back on those 13 weeks, and my 6 years in the Corps afterwards, I am really very grateful.

Becoming a Marine was just about the toughest thing I could have decided to do at that time, and I did it really well. I completed basic training with my integrity intact and with the feeling that there was NOTHING on Earth I could not do. And really, I was right.

Being a Marine set me up for a lifetime of being able to handle really difficult challenges. It set me up for a life time of living the Marine Corps Motto: "Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome". It was the best decision I ever made.

The young 18 year old Marine who graduated that September day [Sept 12, 1988] would never have imagined becoming the person I am today. I had many plans, many dreams, and many goals - and none of them involved being a full time mom to 5 kids, or being a Lamaze Instructor, or being an abandoned wife, or anything remotely similar.

But God had other plans - better plans - in mind, and He has led me here, to this time, and this place. And that's alright with me - I am grateful for the amazing blessings He has bestowed. And being a Marine equipped me for every challenge God set before me, AND the ones Satan threw out there as well.

Marine Corps boot camp also really gelled "who I am" at the deepest level.

Allow an old Marine to share a "war story" if you will. :)

This is the story of "The Garbage Pail Kids". There is one week in boot camp where each Company takes a turn at kitchen duty. Basically, each group of recruits spend time doing all the grunt work required to feed all the recruits and staff on Parris Island.

I'm a "helper" by nature, and I also tend to work quickly and do a ton of stuff all the time, apparently abnormally so [according to my husband anyway]. I was assigned "garbage duty" along with one other recruit in my Platoon. But I was helping all the other recruits get their jobs done too, in between garbage runs, because that's just what I do.

At one point, there was a situation where one of the Marine cooks messed up a cake. It cracked or something and was deemed unworthy to be served in the Mess Hall [scary thing that - considering some of the stuff that WAS worthy to be served in the Mess Hall! LOL!]. So, the baker tossed the cake in the garbage.

Now, probably nobody that has never been in the military will understand this, but when you are in Marine Corps basic training, you are working and exercising non-stop all day long, and you get exactly 2 minutes to eat at each meal [and the good Lord help the recruits at the back of the line!]. So, consequentially, you are always hungry. Well, some of the recruits that were working in the bakery section of the Mess Hall decided to sneak and eat the cake out of the garbage [yes, its true, believe it or not - and if you were in the military you understand easily how this could happen LOL!].

As fate would have it, the baker walked in on the recruits eating out of the garbage, and well... the crap hit the fan I guess you could say. They called our Senior Drill Instructor. Oh my word! All the other Drill Instructors started laughing at her and calling our platoon "The Garbage Pail Kids". Anyone of you who has ever been in the military KNOWS how bad this is... I bet you are cringing at this very moment in fact :) .

Sooo...to say all Hell broke loose that night in the barracks would be an understatement. Our Senior Drill Instructor lost her stinkin' mind. And, that meant our other three Drill Instructors lost their minds too... oh boy oh boy. I bet they heard these ladies screaming at us all the way in Tennessee.

So, after the screaming and raving quieted down, our Senior Drill Instructor [who did not yell - that was delegated to the other DIs] quietly informs us that we are going to chow, and after chow she is going to ask the guilty recruits to come forward and admit on their honor that they were guilty.

Chow was a sad affair. :) But here I was, and I had this idea see. Our Drill Instructors had been trying to teach us team work - we all got punished whenever one of us did something wrong, and we all got credit together when we succeeded. But our DIs felt that our platoon was having a problem coming together properly with our team work. So, I had this idea - when the DIs asked who was guilty, we could *all* step forward - as a TEAM - and we could all pay the penalty together. It would have made our DIs so proud, and would have given them bragging rights vs being the laughing stock of Parris Island with their Garbage Pail Kids.

So, ALL the other recruits thought this was a great idea - and they all said they would do it. So when the time came, we'd all step forward. [The 6 guilty recruits were really relieved by this idea too LOL!]

So, after chow we march back to the barracks and the DIs line us up and ask the guilty parties to step forward. The 6 guilty garbage pail eating recruits step forward. There is a second where I realize that *nobody* else is stepping forward, and I have a choice to make - do what is RIGHT or do what is EASY. Stepping forward at that moment was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, and it was scary as heck.

But I stepped forward.

The next hour consisted of punishments I won't even recount - it was bad. It was painful. It was hard. It was very loud and also involved a relative lot of spit in our faces. I hurt for days afterwards.

But I stepped forward.

The next day, I was the only one holding my head high. I had been tested and I had succeeded - I knew at that moment that NO MATTER WHAT I would always be able to make that choice between doing what is RIGHT and doing what is EASY. I knew that the core of who I am is a person of strength and integrity and the guts to do what is right at all costs.

It set the stage for the rest of my life. Now, lest you think I'm bragging here, I am also prone to stupid decisions, [especially prone to picking bad men LOL!], I am forgetful, I have a temper that is far too quick, and I have a bad habit of jumping in over my head continually... among many other flaws. Oh yeah, and I lack humility. [Though God is really working on this in me of late :) ].

But really the point is, I know who I am. I know who I am at my deepest level - I am a person who always tries to do the right thing, who always tries to take care of others, and who is always willing to make whatever sacrifice is required. I am that person regardless of the people around me, and regardless of the situations I am in. I am that person and it doesn't really matter if my husband has abandoned our family. *I* am still me, and *I* will take care of my children, and we will enjoy life, and we will Serve and Honor God all the days we live.

Nothing will stop me from following the Will of God, choosing to do what is Right, and living for His Glory. That is who I am, and my husband cannot take that from me and he cannot break that in me. ["Honey, just you watch me Improvise, Adapt, and OVERCOME!"]

All of this introspection came about tonight because my son announced out of the blue that he plans to be a Marine when he grows up. My first thought as a mother was, of course, "but he could get killed!". And then, of course, my very next thought was that some things are worth dying for. I just have to raise him as a man of integrity who will spend his eternity with Jesus Christ - then I have no worries regardless of what happens.

I would be proud of any of my children who chose to become a Marine. I can only say good things about my experience in the Corps, and thank God we have them defending this [messed up but still GREAT] country we live in. OOH-RAH!

Incidentally, my Drill Instructors never knew that I wasn't guilty. So, SSgt Moriarity, Sgt Riddel, Sgt Brindle, and Sgt Cox - if you ever come across this blog, now you know. :)

Life's Been Good To Me So Far!

I mean, how cute is this child?!!! Who could live in the same house with this kid and feel sad? Not I.



These two are becoming best buddies and it is so fun to watch! I have always said we have so much fun and "its always a party at our house", and I'm not wrong - still!

We had a fun day today. I have a cold, so I ended up begging the kids to let us skip homeschool soccer and I let them watch "The Empire Strikes Back" instead [and felt really guilty for trading good athletic activity for TV time, let me tell ya!]. Then I skipped a staff meeting at work tonight too because I just feel crummy.

Aside from boring legal divorce yuckiness and me having a cold, we had a great day though!

I'm finally starting to get things down. Our bedtime routine has been beautiful the last few nights - so much better than it was! The only time it gets really bad now is right at dinner time, so that's what I'm going to keep working on.

But the kids are being really good and they seem to be adjusting SO well, I am pleased over all with the way they are coping. The four younger kids ALL seem to be much less anxious and stressed out, and they all sleep now! The nightmares and night terrors have stopped. My oldest is having some anxiety issues surrounding being in crowds and meeting new people, but she's also hit puberty all of a sudden and I think it could be related to that too. Everyone is sleeping better now though and everyone is less stressed out / anxious these days too. I hadn't realized what a toll their father was taking on us all when he was here.

I hadn't mentioned to my kids the thing about the "5 Little Monkeys and the Mama" [no daddy] books when I noticed it, but today my oldest realized it and said "Hey Mama, we are just like the 5 little monkeys now!". Which she thought was funny.

So, we took some monkey shots tonight. We had so much fun. LOL!

So, for those of you who don't know the song... [and that would be those of you with no children I'll guess, because what mother or father alive doesn't know the 5 Little Monkeys song?!]



"5 Little Monkeys jumped on the bed, one fell off and bumped her head.... Mama called the doctor and the doctor said 'No More Monkeys Jumping On The Bed!'"



"4 Little Monkeys jumped on the bed, one fell off and bumped her head.... Mama called the doctor and the doctor said 'No More Monkeys Jumping On The Bed!'"



"3 Little Monkeys jumped on the bed, one fell off and bumped her head.... Mama called the doctor and the doctor said 'No More Monkeys Jumping On The Bed!'"



"2 Little Monkeys jumped on the bed, one fell off and bumped his head.... Mama called the doctor and the doctor said 'No More Monkeys Jumping On The Bed!'"



"1 Little Monkey jumped on the bed, she fell off and bumped her head.... Mama called the doctor and the doctor said 'No More Monkeys Jumping On The Bed!'"



Now all the little monkeys have a head ache. LOL!

Adventures at DFACS

OK, now to complete my public humiliation... LOL!

I went to DFACS today to apply for food stamps and any other aid I could qualify for. Maybe I should be embarrassed by that, but I'm more worried about trying to keep the kids fed and stable at the moment... and I've worked at least one job [often 2 or 3] since I was 15 years old, so I've paid into the system for more than 20 years now, right? Oh, and I save the government about $10,000 a year for each of my kids that I homeschool at my own expense. Heh.

DFACS is like hell though, truly. It was jam packed with lots of sad looking women and cute little kids and a handful of men even. Lots of very rude and nasty government employees treating everyone like dirt. I filled in my forms and then waited 2 hours and 36 minutes [no joke!] for them to take me back into an office and tell me that I don't qualify for anything except *maybe* food stamps, but I have to come back next Tuesday for an appointment to find out if I qualify for food stamps... ugh. Apparently, if you make more than $600 a month, the only thing you qualify for is food stamps, and I make just over that with my part time job.

Fortunately, I was able to leave my older 4 monkeys playing at home with a fantastic homeschooled 13 year old we know, so I only had the baby monkey with me, and she did great. Praise God!

I got home and had an email waiting for me from my husband with the divorce agreement attached - I was supposed to read it and sign it.

And while I was sitting there crying and trying to figure out how I'm going to manage to keep a roof over the kids' heads and food in their tummies, they were begging for Halloween Costumes that cost $30 each... and I'm trying to explain to them why we can't buy things like that any more, without bashing their father.

I know this sounds angry, but mostly I'm happy. I was reflecting tonight that I am so happy with my children - I really love our life. As my friend Jen pointed out, things will not *always* be as hard as they are right now. We will get our routines down. The baby will grow up [too fast!]. Soon I'll have a bunch of teen monkeys and one day they'll all move away.... I plan to make the most of every moment between now and then, because here is where my treasure and my happiness lie.

But I feel guilty - my children deserve so much better. They *deserve* a father who *cherishes* them, who would DIE to protect them, and who would rather be tortured to death than to abandon them. Fortunately, they have a Father in Heaven who does just that.

God Is So Good!

I started today by asking some of my online friends to pray for me for some very specific needs [that my children would do well with their therapist they met today for the first time, that I would find a good and decent lawyer, that I would hold it together in the evenings, among other things]. Another dear friend from our homeschool group had Mass said for our family today at 7am as well.

Today was a much better day.

I finally found a lawyer today, and I really like him. I go in Friday for my official appointment to get the paperwork done. He only does uncontested divorce so he's not trying to talk me in to "taking him to the cleaners" or anything to drag this out in court [which I've now learned is a common tactic amongst divorce lawyers - court is where they make their big bucks].

The therapy session with the kids went *great*! Their therapist is a Catholic mom and she was the sweetest, most friendly person you can imagine - the kids were *immediately* able to open up to her, and they really liked her. She talked with me a while too, and she was so sweet and helpful.

We will be going back again next week, but Monkey1 in particular was really helped. The therapist told me afterwards what a very mature, sweet girl she is - she was really impressed. She said Monkey1 was "wise beyond her years" and said she was an "old soul". I have always felt the same way about my oldest child, and I actually cried for the first and only time during the session when she said that - my daughter *is* such a special kid and she deserves a lot better than this.

It was a very helpful session though, and I couldn't have been happier with the therapist. She told me she was amazed at how strong I was and that the kids would learn that strength from me and that it would be me from whom they took their cues. She said she thought they were doing amazingly well under the circumstances and that it was because of me and the way I was handling it that they were doing so great. That felt so good to hear, I have been so afraid of failing them recently.

A friend of mine paid a cleaning company to come today and clean my home - what a blessing! Isn't that amazing? I feel better now just not being so mired down in the mess, you know? I physically feel less stressed out because I had gotten so behind on the house work. I'm still behind on laundry, but now I feel like I can manage to catch that up. :)

AND - most amazing of all - tonight went GREAT! We had a nice bedtime. Everyone was asleep by 7:30! I did cheat and buy a pizza on our way home from the therapy session, but still - bedtime went so much better.

Nobody can tell me that God doesn't answer prayers - He answered these all so generously today!

I realized today that I am content - I am happy even. This is not what I wanted for my life, this is not what I would have chosen, but I am happy to be here with these precious little monkeys, and I trust in Jesus to get us through this just like He always has done through our whole lives.

Our bible story tonight was the story of Abraham and Sara, and I was reading it and thinking about how Sara *laughed* when the Lord told her she would have a son. She didn't believe Him. In much the same way, it is hard to see right now where the Lord is taking us and how He will bring good of all this pain, but I know that He will. Unlike Sara, I do take Him at His word.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can.... LOL!

OK, so I'm trying to get this single parenting thing down.

I think I've moved through the "Stages of Grief" in the last two weeks - The first week was all "denial" - this *can't* be happening! Not to our happy little family! Last week I moved through a couple of days of serious, serious sadness and mourning as the reality of what my husband had really done settled in. By the end of the week I had moved in to "Anger" and I'm proud to say my husband is still alive. That is a credit to my self restraint. LOL!

Now I'm moving in to acceptance, and I think that's a good place to be.

We had a really good day today for the most part. I am managing the single parent thing really well most of the day.

However - evenings are turning out to be an on-going nightmare. Trying to get 5 poor sleepers to bed BY MYSELF has been completely overwhelming, as has trying to cook dinner for 5 monkeys while the baby is in a "hold me or I will scream non-stop" stage. I would say from 5pm on, my happy home turns into some level of hell.

Oh, and our level of hell is really, really messy right now. LOL!

So, any advice? Anybody with a husband who travels or something and who has a system for getting lots of little bitties to bed while flying solo? Without screaming or losing it or bursting in to tears? ;)

Also, I am totally interested in any tips or advice on organizing my life so that I can manage these 5 precious creatures and still be a great mom to them. I think organization may turn out to be the key to my sanity.

We've re-instated our schedule [a la "A Mother's Rule of Life"], and it went OK today. It is hard to schedule us though because we have a different set of things to do every day... we homeschool in the mornings of course, but some days we have choir and other days we have soccer and some times we have Little Flowers and Little Saints... and its just hard to schedule.

Homeschooling went really well today though and we had a great day up till the end there. I'm feeling VERY optimistic that life is going to get better from here and I feel like I'm getting the hang of things again.

Choices

How's that for an awesome boy?! Monkey5 is being held by one of the Aquinas Academy boys - he even still liked her after she cried all night while they baby sat! I'm hoping some of my girls marry some of these Aquinas Academy boys. LOL!



I wasn't able to get a good shot of Monkey4 yesterday, but my friend Jen was - everyone should look this cute while holding their Star Wars blaster, don't you think?

I'm feeling better today.

I'm realizing that this is really an opportunity that I've been handed. This is a situation in which I really have no choice but to become a Saint. My husband has deserted me with SUCH an amazing load on my shoulders that I really have no choice. I will either become a Saint, or I will go insane and drive my car off a cliff. Since I don't plan to drive my car off a cliff, that only leaves one choice doesn't it?

How Am I Supposed to do This?

So, I'm trying to pick up pieces, and I feel like someone who has been charged with picking up 9,457 marbles but who isn't given a bag to hold them in - I pick up one marble only to have 3 more fall out of my arms and then I slip and fall on the ones I dropped....

This has been a really bad week. The worst week of my life. I am trying so hard to keep it together for the kids, but I just don't see how at this moment...

On the one hand, I'm just reeling from the very idea that the man I loved so much would do this to me. It just doesn't seem possible. Every day I feel like I am in someone else's nightmare. I adored him - I constructed my whole world around him and our sweet family. The devastation I feel I can't even put into words - how do people do this every day and go on acting normal and getting on with life?

Then, there is the work aspect. I work nights and weekends and I have for 8 years now, so that I could be home with the kids in the day and their dad could watch them while I was at work, so they never had to be in daycare or any situation like that. Now I am in a spot where, suddenly, I have to find child care for 5 children, 8 and under. I can't afford to PAY anyone to keep that many kids of course. And it is so hard to keep asking other people to watch them - I have many wonderful friends who are trying to help me, but it isn't *their* responsibility. I don't want to keep dumping my children on other people. Yet I have to have the job so we can survive. Right now I am working almost full time hours [34 hours a week] and I'm trying to get some of my classes covered so I can work less because I CAN'T get childcare for that many hours - and I can't get coverage for my classes. If I don't teach the classes I lose my job. If I lose my job, we don't eat. Its just awful.

My children usually go to bed at 7pm too, and I work from 6pm - 10pm usually [sometimes 5pm if I have to work at the hospital farther from me]. They usually sleep most of the time I'm at work, so they don't miss me that much.

Well, now they are being kept out till 10pm or later every night I work because they are in different homes with friends - and it is taking a toll on them. Last night my baby cried the whole 4 hours I was gone. Aside from the fact that I feel guilty for leaving my kind friends with a screaming baby for hours on end, it just TEARS my SOUL that she had to cry like that. I have never let my babies cry - I have always been there for them, to comfort them, hold them, keep them safe and happy. And now I can't do that, and my sweet little 7 month old cried for 4 hours straight because her mommy deserted her with "strangers" [she is in the middle of the stranger anxiety stage right now]. It is killing me.

I have used "Attachment Parenting" with all of my children, and I have always been intensely involved in their upbringing. I have always very willingly gone above and beyond in this mothering bit because my goal has always been to raise excellent adults - truly outstanding individuals that will leave this world a much better place for having them in it. I have always kept my eyes on that prize, and now I feel like that is being snatched from me - I feel my children being scarred, I feel their little hearts hardening, I feel their anger and their pain, and I know they will never be the same again. And all of this is being *caused* by the one person I thought would always adore and protect us. I can't reconcile this.



Here is Monkey1 putting on a pose. She has been sooo angry the past two weeks, and she has blamed me. I understand it is normal, but it hurts. I am so powerless in the whole situation, and then my precious baby is mad at ME because her dad left. It isn't fair, but then, I know life isn't fair so I need to stop whining.

All the kids have been on pretty awful behavior since he left - everyone is traumatized I guess. It definitely makes the adjustment harder though when my normally wonderful, well behaved children suddenly act like they are possessed or something.



Monkey2 seems to be the only kid who is doing better since his dad left. He is much more relaxed and laid back, from being a high strung kid before. It was difficult living with his dad for all of us, but I think maybe he was affected the most [he's the most sensitive kid I have by far].



Here is the baby Monkey. She is 7 months old now and so cute. She's sunburned - don't know if you can tell from the pics, but I was so overwhelmed and preoccupied yesterday that I forgot about sun protection for soccer. The kids play [and love] homeschool soccer, and it was really nice to start back yesterday and see everyone. But I forgot sun protection and all of us are kind of burnt today, even my poor little baby. Now she'll probably get skin cancer when she's 40 and it will be all my fault...



Here are Monkey3 and Monkey2 with Tyr the dog. Tyr has turned out to be a handful. He has a wonderful personality and loves the kids - and they love him - but he has serious behavior problems. I should have known I needed to keep him more than a week to figure out what his real personality is [sometimes it takes fosters a couple of weeks to get comfortable in a new environment before they start to act like "themselves"], but I just didn't. I'm still glad we have him, and all his problems are fixable with training [which I don't have time to do now], but he's handful for sure. He likes to pee in the floor. I have never had trouble training any of our dogs or foster dogs, I usually have them trained in 3 days, but this guy is apparently impossible to completely housebreak. ugh. He also likes to steal food from counters and table tops, chews everything - including chairs and couches - and some other more minor problems. He will be a good dog...someday. LOL!

Monkey3 is not dealing well with her dad leaving. She alternates between bursting into tears and crying "I want Daddy" to terrorizing the other kids on purpose and doing stuff just to cause trouble. Which is wearing me out on so many levels. I feel so bad for her - 4 is still too young for her to really understand what is going on.



I tried to get a picture of Monkey4 the 2yo, and this was the best I could do. She has slowed down her race to dominate the world and is just being a happy, laid back kid these days. That is a blessing.

I know that we are so blessed. We have been so surrounded by love and friendship and that is what is pulling me through. I know that one day we will get a new routine and find our new "normal", and that life will be good and happy and sweet once more. I know that God has great things in store for us.

But right now it is just really hard. Please pray for me to have the strength to carry this incredible load that has been placed on my shoulders. Please pray for me to keep in my awareness that this is an opportunity to grow closer to God, to keep myself in line with His will, and to trust in Him even more than ever before - this is an opportunity to learn to trust completely in God's provision.

*sigh*

I'm having trouble keeping up with the blog these days, I'm so sorry to all my readers.

It has been a crummy week and yesterday was a crummy day. I am trying to "keep my chin up", but I feel lonely. I feel abandoned. I feel so sad. I feel scared for my children. And I feel worried and overwhelmed at the idea of single parenting my 5 beautiful monkeys.

I know that I will be able to do this - I know that Jesus will see me through this. But I think I'm going through a necessary mourning period right now. The shock and sadness of all that has happened is hitting me full force this week.

We have been blessed in so many ways in the last 2 weeks - people have been so very good to us. That is what is keeping me going at present, and I'm so grateful to everyone near and far that has offered kind words, prayers, food, and other kinds of help. Thank you.



So, just to keep this from being a totally depressing entry, here is a picture of the kids and I and my niece at the Cowboy Museum a few weeks ago [pre-world falling apart]. It was a really neat place and we had a blast! We went with my dad, who is a great historian.

5 Little Monkeys and a Mama

Yesterday was a hard day for us. Things hit home on an emotional level and the kids and I spent the whole day going from one teary melt down to the next.

Which I think was actually really good - we needed to get through that so we can move on. We ALL feel much better this morning and everyone is being nicer and happier today.

My kids LOVE the "5 little monkeys" books - we have a couple of them. If you've seen them, you know what I mean.

Well, yesterday I was reading "5 Little Monkeys Bake a Birthday Cake" to my children, and it occurred to me that our family is just like their's now - 5 little monkeys and a mama. How funny.

I always wondered where the heck the daddy monkey was in those stories. Now I know. LOL!