Happy All Hallow's Eve!

Gosh we just had the best day today! This is one of my very favorite weeks of the year - Halloween, All Saints, and All Souls day!

It started out with the Halloween Party at my 4yo's preschool [at our Church]. I am the "room mom" for her class, and I was also one of the "party moms" for this party, so I spent the morning making sandwiches shaped like pumpkins and bats and cutting grapes in half LOL! My wonderful baby sitter was able to come keep the baby, 2yo, and my 9yo while my 6yo and I went to my 4yo's preschool and did the party. It was so fun!




Then their dad came over [he took a half day off work to spend it with them]. I spent the afternoon carving pumpkins - which delighted the children! They each got to draw out the pumpkin face they wanted and then I did my best to carve their pumpkins the way they wanted them - and I did pretty well too!






Later we went over to our Church for "Trunk or Treat" - it was the first year our Church has done this and it was SO wonderful! They had lots of folks there with their trunks open giving out candy and then they had a dragon "jumpy jump" type thing there that the kids adored jumping in and they had little "hay rides", which the kids also love. THEN, they had free food - hot dogs, pretzels, pop corn, and the ever popular snow cones that my kids had a fit over! It was SO incredibly nice. Our pastor is working so hard to do good things for the families at the parish, and he is really succeeding. Praise God for a pastor who values little kids and families!






Then we came home and my sister came over.



She comes over every Halloween to take the kids Trick or Treating with me. We just go on our street usually, and usually I am kind of a "mean mom" and I only let the kids go to a handful of houses, but tonight we did it a little different. We came out and met up with our neighbor next door and his 4yo daughter and our neighbor across the street and her 4yo granddaughter and we walked the neighborhood together as a group - it was so neat.







I LOVE our neighborhood. We know all our neighbors and are very friendly with them. It was so neat to Trick or Treat together in one big group. We just have the nicest people in our little subdivision - I really treasure it. It feels like we live in a sweet little place you would expect to find back in the 1950s, and I feel so Blessed to be here!

So, we ended up walking through half the subdivision and the kids came home with massive amounts of candy and treats [and each got a toothbrush too from one lady - who I thought was a genius! LOL!].




My mom decided to buy them costumes this year [we are big on dressing up, but not big on spending much money on dressing up so this was a first for them!] The costumes turned out to be really high quality and very nice. Then my MIL decided to buy them all the accessories that went WITH their costumes - so they had a small fortune spent on these costumes! The kids were thrilled of course.



My 9yo dressed as a Gypsy. She was so pretty!



My 6yo dressed as Spiderman. He really liked that the costume had muscles built in, and I must admit he did look freakishly like Spiderman!



My 4yo dressed as "The Little Mermaid" and she was adorable. She kept running ahead during our Trick or Treat expedition though and I got really afraid she wouldn't live through the night! :(



My 2yo dressed as "Little Red Riding Hood" and it was *so* cute - she really "got it" this year and was so fascinated by the idea of people giving her candy. [You gotta understand, we don't 'do' candy in our family - Halloween is the one time of year where they are allowed to get candy and eat it!] She would walk up to the door and say "Trick or Treat" and then if the other kids got ahead of her, she would hold up her Little Red Riding Hood basket and say "I have a basket too!". LOL!



The baby monkey had a lamb costume - full body fleece type stuff. It was really warm tonight, so she ended up wearing her lamb's hood and that's about it. It was still so stinkin cute it was ridiculous! She enjoyed trick or treating in my backpack! She nodded off at one point, but enjoyed the rest of the evening.




Anyway, it was a GREAT day, and I hope you all had wonderful days as well! We are all looking forward to All Saints Day tomorrow!

Answer Me This....

Why is it that my 2yo can ALWAYS find a pencil, pen, crayon, marker or colored pencil ANYTIME she wants to draw on walls, bedding, furniture, clothing, other children, toys, pets, or herself; but *I* can NEVER find a single writing utensil when I desperately need one?

I Am So Tired!

Getting back together possibly with my husband has been good news, but it is leading to more work and emotional strain for me. There were some very painful things that happened while he was gone that I have to now manage to work through if this is going to work, and now we have to have counseling and I am worrying obsessively about some other decisions he is making....

A dear friend of mine said to me yesterday [quoting the movie "Evan Almighty" - a very cute movie btw!] that "God was giving me opportunities to be courageous".

I can agree with her, but I feel just beat down.

I've had so many "opportunities to be courageous" that I truly feel like I'm at my own breaking point [and I don't break easily].

I spent yesterday hiding from my kids for the most part because I just felt emotionally over drawn - I felt too overwhelmed to deal with them or anything else. Because, even though reconciliation is a possibility and we are trying to move in that direction, the fact is that I am *still* a single mother of 5 children. I am totally on my own. [And the dog is driving me crazy too....but that's another rant].

I never get a break. I was having a wonderful teen from our homeschool group come every Wed for a couple of hours and I was paying her to babysit, but for the last 3 weeks the kids have been sick so she couldn't come [she has a bunch of little brothers and sisters and her mom nor I want them all sick]. But that means that I haven't had *any* break, at all, in those 3 weeks. And I don't get to sleep at night either, because all the kids are night waking again - even more than normal because they are sick.

I am literally running 24/7 and I feel like I'm about to just completely break down and lose it. They are going to find me whimpering in a corner staring blindly at some monumental catastrophe that my evil genius 2yo orchestrated using physics and hydro-dynamics. And I'll never come out of it. ;)

I feel like such a baby, but gosh I just want to plead with God "could I just have a SMALL break in all this hardship? Please?!" I mean, I feel like I've been living from crisis to crisis to catastrophe to utter ruin over and over for the past 7 years.

I'm tired - like so tired I really just want to lie down and die. Which is sad to say, but completely true.

I'm worrying myself sick over the choices my estranged husband may or may not make, and its not like I needed *something else* to worry about.

AND now they want to break apart my baby's skull and piece it back together because they have a thing against Klingons or something... ;)

We went to Monkey5's 9 month check up yesterday and it was awful.

First, the Nurse practitioner had commented at our last visit that Monkey5 had a very "prominent forehead and ridge on top of her head" - which is true. ALL my kids have had this to some degree [and *I* had it as well - my baby pictures show my head looking just like Monkey5's].

But, she does look a bit like a baby Klingon [we often call her that in fact LOL!].

The Nurse Practitioner wants me to take her to a Neurosurgeon!!!! She thinks the skull sutures in Monkey5's head healed prematurely and are causing a problem. The baby's head was also measuring just over the 100% - large. ALL my kids have had heads that were large - 80%-95% is normal for my kids'heads, when their height is usually 25-50% and their weight is usually 5-15% at this age. We always joked about our kids looking like grapes on a tooth pick with their giant heads! [Monkey5 was 25% for height and 10% for weight, NOT unusual for my kids].

But, the Nurse Practitioner is convinced there is something seriously wrong.

I researched it just now and this is what it sounds like she thinks Angelica has:

http://surgery.med.umich.edu/plastic/clinical/ped_procedures/cranio/index.shtml
Types of Craniosynostosis
Sagittal Synostosis

"There are several forms of craniosynostosis that may afflict a child. The most common type of suture synostosis is sagittal synostosis. In this type, the suture that runs from the front to the back fuses prematurely. This causes a condition which specialists refer to as "scaphocephaly" or "boat" shaped skull. The skull becomes long from front to back, and appears narrow when viewed from the front. There may be a prominent ridge along the top of the head extending from the "soft spot" to the back of the head. The forehead may seem too prominent or bossed and the temporal area of the skull may seem pinched. A sagittal synostectomy and cranial vault reshaping can be performed to surgically correct scaphycephaly resulting from sagittal craniosynostosis. In this operation, the neurosurgeon removes the sagittal suture and gives the craniofacial plastic surgeon access to the cranial vault. The craniofacial surgeon makes cuts in the bones of the skull and reshapes them in a way that restores the child to a more normal cosmetic appearance and allows for proper growth of the brain and skull in the future. The operation is preferably performed early in life, sometime after three months of age."


In addition to this problem with her skull, she has another ear infection [which I kind of knew - every time she gets a cold she gets one and she had a cold for the last week and has been really fussy and not sleeping]. So now I am treating her with antibiotics AGAIN. :( :(

I also asked the Nurse Practitioner about her diarrhea - she has diarrhea ALL THE TIME - poops 5-10 times a day green diarrhea, and will wake up in the middle of the night [often] with stomach cramps and diarrhea. This started about a month ago when she finally started eating some solids. She would NOT eat any solids until 8 months [I offered at 6mos and every week thereafter], and she still won't eat much of them - strongly prefers breastfeeding. I've been wondering if maybe she doesn't have some food allergies or sensitivities or something and that's why she didn't want solids for so long [maybe she had that 6th sense babies have....] and that's why she's having diarrhea.

The Nurse Practitioner dismissed my concerns about allergies outright [we have no strong family history and none of the other kids have them - so, she used family history to dismiss concerns about allergies, but has dismissed the family history with the skull shape/formation?! ugh. ]

Her instructions were that I had to WEAN Angelica completely at night [she says she's not eating because I'm nursing her "too much"] and that I had to cut down her day time feeds to every 4 hours or more apart and basically starve her and make her eat solid food! She also told me I needed to get her out of my bed so I could wean her at night because she's TOO THIN and underweight [at 10%] and that I HAVE to get her eating solid food so she can put on some weight.

Never mind that she's still ON the weigh chart. Never mind that it is *normal* for ALL of my kids to be 10% for weight or even less at their 9 mo check [I keep their stats in their baby books - they ALL did this between 6-12 mos]. Never mind that babies under 1 year SHOULD still be getting most of their calories from breastmilk...

As for the diarrhea, she said it was caused by teething and that I needed to force Angelica to eat more rice cereal to firm up the stool! [Now, I understand teething may cause a couple of days of diarrhea, but 4+ WEEKS of nasty green diarrhea at all hours of the day and night?!!!]

Does this advice sound *insane* to anyone else?

I was doubly upset because this Nurse Practitioner is also an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant and in the past she has always been really, really supportive of breastfeeding. I usually see our Pediatrician there, but when she's booked [like she was today], I see this Nurse Practitioner because she's IBCLC and I've always liked her pretty well. [I've only seen her maybe 4 times ever]. I love this Peds office because they are usually VERY 'wait and see' and don't over prescribe meds or interventions - My Pediatrician almost always says "well, let's don't treat it and see if it gets better on its own" which it almost always does....

I don't know what to do - I don't want my baby to go through SKULL SURGERY for Heaven's sake. But I also don't want to NOT fix something if it is going to cause her problems later in life.

And I don't even know where to begin with the diarrhea / weaning advice. That sounds just nutso to me. And I *still* have the problem that my baby is suffering from constant diarrhea. :( :( And neither of us is getting any sleep between all these different things. :(

[I'm NOT weaning btw - I've decided to take the opposite tactic and nurse her even more and not give her solids for a few days and see if the diarrhea clears up.]

Below I have some recent photos of Monkey5 so y'all can see her head. I'm also showing pics of my last 3 other babies and their huge Klingon heads so you can see the resemblance... I think Monkey5's is a *little* more pronounced, but not THAT different....



Can you see the prominent forehead and ridge on top? This is Monkey5 a few days ago.



More Monkey5.



More Monkey5.



Now, here is Monkey3 when she was a baby.



In this pic you can see Monkey3's bulging forehead better - it looks very similar to Monkey5's to me, Monkey5 just has a bit more of a ridge on top.



In this pic you can see Monkey2 [The Boy] and his big huge forehead and head - I don't have any digital baby pics of him, but even in this pic when he was 2yo you can see how prominent his forehead still was and it has that same shape. And you can see Monkey3 next to him with the same head shape.

The Boy's head was almost exactly like Monkey2's. We used to call him a Baby Klingon too.



This is Monkey4's head - her head is shaped almost exactly like Monkey5's, her forehead is just a tiny bit less pronounced.



Here you can see Monkey4's forehead better.

So, what do you guys think? I mean, I think Monkey5 has MY same weird head shape that ALL my kids have had - once you grow hair it isn't a big deal. LOL! [Seriously, if you feel my skull some time it is *exactly* the same as theirs!].

I certainly do not want my baby in the hospital for weeks on end while they crack open her skull, break it up into pieces and "rebuild" it to a more aesthetically pleasing shape....

Quote of the Day

Monkey1 9yo had been sent downstairs to retrieve Monkey4 2yo for bathtime. Monkey1 comes running back upstairs and says:

"Quick! We have to evacuate immediately! Monkey4 just built a thermonuclear device and its about to blow!"

That isn't an unreasonable thing to say actually. ;) You just never know with that kid....

Monkey4 is pictured above with her "puppy dog nose" and whiskers and "puppy dog ears" pigtails. :) For some reason she wanted to be a puppy that day. Never one to stunt her creative growth, I obliged. Since it is close to Halloween, you can get away with that kind of stuff in the grocery store. LOL!

My Favorite Time of Year!

Every October I take the kids out to this little "pumpkin patch" one of the Churches near us has and I let them buy a pumpkin. This year they decided to use their own money to buy EACH of them a pumpkin [because every home needs 5 pumpkins, right?!].

This is one of their favorite events of the year - they just love it so much. Which is kind of funny isn't it? I mean, it takes about 10 minutes LOL!

Here are the pics:



Here is pretty Monkey1 with the pumpkins they selected first.



Here is The Boy with the teeny pumpkin he fell in love with and *almost* bought - then changed his mind to get a big one.



Here is the one he ended up with.



Here are all the Monkeys [except Baby Monkey] on the porch with their pumpkins. Monkey1 is holding Baby Monkeys pumpkin and her own.

You can see Monkey3 up front with her pumpkin - she got a tiny, cute little pumpkin, which is just like her - tiny and cute! ;)



Here are the Monkeys enjoying some time on their [not-evil-any-more] daddy. What do people without 5 kids do to keep warm?



And here is the kid pile on Grumpy too - they LOVE to lay all over their Grandfather when he comes to visit!



Here are two of my children who actually wear clothes in our back yard. :) I am having a terrible problem keeping clothes on Monkey4. [And I have lots of pictures of this naked feral child in our backyard, but I won't post them on the internet!]. How do you keep clothes on one like her? I have NEVER had a child so resistant to clothing. Hopefully it will get cold soon and then she'll stop taking them off just out of self preservation. Otherwise I'm about to start drawing clothes on her with a sharpie - at least she couldn't pull them off! ;)



Monkey1 LOVES to make "funny hair" on Monkey4 while they get a bath. She comes up with some pretty funny stuff!

Reconciliation

Just to keep my life strange.....

Just when I'd gotten used to the single mom thing and had gotten into a "groove" with it [and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be - though sometimes it was truly awful. LOL! Mostly it was pretty good.].

My husband wants to reconcile.

This is a story that is stranger than fiction, BUT when he was in the hospital in August they put him on a drug that totally changed his personality. He became evil [truly, I am SO not kidding - he was SO mean!]. Which is not at all like the man I knew and had been married to for 12 years [who was a really kind, sweet, loving person].

Well, he went off that drug 4 weeks ago, and it took 2 weeks to get it out of his system - then 2 weeks ago he kind of "woke up" as himself. And was devastated by what the evil bodysnatcher had done to his life. :(

He started hinting around that he wanted to try to make things right and I was totally like "Are you NUTS?! No way man.... I don't want to go through this again - EVER!"

Last week I was around him quite a bit because of the kids being sick and him actually wanting to help and be involved [also a radical change!] and I realized "Hey, wait a minute, he's back to his *normal* self - wow! We missed that guy!".

It really has been the strangest thing, and its been a hard decision to make, but I've decided to change the Divorce Agreement to a Separation Agreement and to work towards reconciliation. [The Separation Agreement guarantees me & the kids the same protection that the Divorce Agreement guaranteed as far as rights and financial stuff].

There are many requirements we are putting in place to keep the children safe and everything healthy. He is going to continue to live somewhere else for at least 6 months while we pursue both marriage counseling and family counseling with the children. He is going to seek out a better doctor who will do a better job managing his meds [his current doctor refused to believe me or him when we both told him that the drug had completely changed his personality and that his behavior was *bizarre* - which it was]. He is going to try to get stable and we are going to try to learn how to re-integrate him into the household while keeping everyone safe and healthy.

This is a lot to come back from. There is a lot of stuff that happened that I didn't even put in the blog, there has been a lot of damage and pain for certain.

But I think saving the marriage is the right thing to do in the long run. I think it will be best for the children long run [they are SO happy we aren't divorcing] and it will be best for my husband. I think it will even be best for me in the end.

I think this is what God is calling me to. The world needs people to witness to the fact that marriage vows are sacred and that marriage SHOULD actually be "till death do us part - in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad" [Let's pray we've had enough bad times for a while... aren't we due some good ones? LOL!]

Pray for us. :)

I'm Glad I Didn't Know

At the risk of sounding like an absolute teeny bopper.... LOL!

There is a Garth Brooks song I have loved for a long time. [I know, I know...you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl!]

There are actually quite a few of his songs I love a lot ["Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"...], but this one I'm thinking of today is called "The Dance". He wrote it in the wake of his own divorce many years back I believe. The relevant parts to this post are:

"Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say, you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

I first fell in love with this song back in 2003, when my husband had his first major breakdown and a whole slew of health problems to go with it. We lost everything that year - our home, our savings, our retirement fund...everything but our kids and each other. It was a very painful year. But looking back, it was the Genesis of so much Grace and Spiritual Growth in my life - I wouldn't trade 2003 for anything now.

A sweet friend of mine was saying that she was having trouble being open to life in her marriage because she felt that eventually her husband would leave her and she was very afraid of that. I can understand what she means. I think it would be a lot harder to be open to life in that situation.

If, looking back, I had *known* what would happen, would I have done things differently? Maybe...probably yes. I mean, what sane woman would have 5 kids with a man who she knew would abandon her?

But I never had a clue. I knew there was a good chance he might end up in an institution at some point. I also knew there was a better than average chance he'd die of some disease because his health was always very poor. But I never in my wildest dreams thought he'd abandon me and the kids - and that confidence is what gave me the strength to get through all those difficult years.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know. Because if I'd known, I probably would have done things differently. I would probably only have my first three children [or none at all? Depending on how early I realized this!]. I would have missed out on the *incredibly* joyful experience of my 2yo and my baby. I can't imagine my life without them. The world [and my life in particular] is so enriched - is so much better for having these two little people in it.

I'm glad I didn't know. Our ignorance is a true gift from the Lord.

I can look back on 12 years of marriage and I can remember the happy things. I can remember my husband's sense of humor and the way he made us laugh. I can remember the good things about him. We had some really difficult times, more than most people will ever have. But it wasn't all bad by a long shot. It was a blessing while it lasted. I am sorry for the way it ended, but I am OK - really, truly OK.

And I can move on without being bitter - truly he has gotten the bad end of the deal. I feel for him and I still care for him deeply - I always will. He is the father of the 5 most amazing individuals I know.

But I am so happy where I am. I am happy. I am surprised to find that this is so, because being abandoned like this has always been my worst nightmare. [Truly, every time I got pregnant I used to have nightmares about my husband abandoning me and the baby/ies like this and every time he would tell me how ridiculous that was and every time I would agree....the dreams seem absolutely prophetic in retrospect, but at the time they seemed just crazy].

But it is so. God is here, my babies surround me, I have beautiful, deeply Christian friends all around, my extended family has proven to be the most amazingly supportive, wonderful family imaginable...and I am the most blessed woman on earth.

I'm so very, very glad I didn't know.

God's plan is always better than ours.

All The Monkeys Are Sick!

So, we have this bizarre evil virus going around - it has taken about a week to work through all the kids now. Monkey5 [baby] started with it last week with a high fever, puking, and just feeling miserable. A couple of days later Monkey3 got it, and she was just so pitiful. Then two days ago Monkey2 got it, and he was so sick and in so much pain he could barely move [apparently it causes a severe body ache and head ache too]. Then yesterday Monkey4 and Monkey1 finally caught it, and they were burning up all night. It seems to only last about 24-36 hours though, so I'm hopeful that we are finally "done" with it!

So, last night was a huge nightmare. ALL the kids were up, except Monkey2 who was feeling better and slept like a rock. Finally around 5am I dozed off for the first time all night, and Monkey1 was downstairs watching TV. [I had run out of children's motrin and had *nothing* I could give her for the pain and she was hurting so much she couldn't sleep and could barely move! Poor thing - I felt so terrible that I let us run out of motrin!] Around 5:30 she comes and wakes me up and says "Mommy, Daddy's on the phone". [And I'm thinking "Are you kidding me?! I *finally* got to sleep and now I've got to wake up and take a phone call?!!!!]

Well, it turns out that Monkey1 *called him* at 5:30am and told him how sick she was and that she wanted him to come. And, in a bizarre fit of kindness and compassion, he *did it*! He got here around 7am, brought breakfast AND motrin, and let me go back to bed for 2 hours while he watched the kids. Wow. And he washed my van.

I was stunned, but extremely grateful. He had to leave at lunch and go to work, but I got an actual real stretch of sleep, and I could function through the day - which I don't think I could have done otherwise.

It turned out to be a pretty good day. By late morning Monkey4's fever was gone and by evening so was Monkey1's. I am hopeful they will sleep tonight.

We had a nice day just being low key at home and goofing off. It was one of those days where I just really enjoyed the kids and felt so grateful for all that we have.




Here is my poor, sick Monkey1 holding the baby today.



We had an attack of the Sillys this evening, and this is Monkey3 being a cutie with yogurt on her nose. LOL!



Here is Monkey4 eating her yogurt. This was just AFTER she had climbed up onto the kitchen counter to get a cup for herself and then accidentally peed all over the counter [she'd removed her pull up - and her clothes - long hence] and just BEFORE she smeared all that yogurt all over the table and pushed mommy over the edge. ;) [But I was too busy cloroxing the counter tops to kill her, so I guess it worked in her best interest after all LOL!]



This pic is from a couple of days ago, but I liked it anyway. Here is "The Boy" eating Doritos and holding the baby. Aren't they cute?!

Yeah...those Doritos are something their dad bought when he lived here - they found them and started eating them. I firmly refuse to buy them - anything that dyes your lips and hands that color can't be good. ;)



And here is "The Boy" being silly tonight. The Boy is fixated on Nintendo DSs at the moment and won't talk about anything else. Guess what is at the top of his Christmas Wish list?!



And here is me with the baby and the The Boy. We had such a nice day, sick and all!

Speaking of Christmas though, I did get some "good news / bad news" today - I just got an email from work saying my weekend class [Fri/Sat] is cancelled for this weekend. That is good news in that I was scheduled for 30 hours in 3 days and now I only have to do the Sunday class. It is bad news in that I just lost $400 pay! Which was earmarked for Christmas... ARGH!

But, no worries. God is taking such good care of us - even though we've had a drastic reduction in our household income since my husband left, all the bills are paid and things are miraculously working out. [Think Loaves and Fishes here y'all, I'm telling you it is the hand of God! LOL!] I am certain Christmas will work out too.

Thank God for sweet days like today.

Will I Ever Receive Communion Again?

I'll just warn up front - this is a whiny post. Feel free to skip it. :)

We just got back from Mass. I got no sleep last night - seriously, less than 3 hours and not more than 30 minute in a row without being woken up even during the 3 hours. [Which is probably why I'm feeling whiny instead of "bucking up"!] This is following more than a week of almost no sleep [baby is teething and kids are passing around a high mystery fever that makes them unable to sleep].

OH, how I did want to just sleep in - put on a video for the kids and try to sleep even ONE hour without being awoken - but even more, I wanted to be at Mass and I wanted to receive Communion. I *need* those Graces right now more than ever. I have to teach today at noon, so my only chance was 8:30am Mass [our usual Mass anyway, so that works out!]

So, I got everyone up, got them fed, got them dressed - they looked great. We got to Church as they were singing the entrance hymn. I usually try to be there 10-15 minutes early to try to make sure we get a good seat, but since I've been doing the single mom thing that is not happening. I was just glad we only missed about 30 seconds of the first song.

But of course, there were no seats left, so I was standing in the Narthex with the kids for Mass.

The entrance hymn was not even OVER yet before the trouble began. :(

The 2yo starts screaming for me to hold her - I have the baby on my back in the backpack, and I know if I start holding her that early, she'll demand to be held through the whole Mass and I will be *hurting* before we get to the homily. [She's a BIG kid!] I'm trying to hold her hand, hug her to my body, talk sweetly to her, do anything but pick her up and hold her [because I just can't physically hold her and the baby for the whole Mass]. She proceeds to start throwing a tantrum right there in the Narthex, screaming her head off and throwing herself around on the floor.

While this is going on, my 6yo decides he doesn't want my 4yo to sit *anywhere* near him on the floor - and she, of course, wants to sit right next to her big brother. She hasn't done anything to him, and she's trying to sit nicely and just be next to him, but he won't have it and he is moving all around, refusing to sit down because she keeps moving next to him. I tell her to sit next to me instead, she disobeys. I tell him to stand next to me, he disobeys. Then he begins trying to run around the Narthex to get away from her, and she begins to chase him.

Then they both come to me saying they have to go to the bathroom "really bad". I say no. [They know they aren't supposed to go to the bathroom during Mass - which is only about 50 minutes long- and they know that they are supposed to go at home before we leave or wait till after Mass, and we live literally 2 minutes from Church, so its not like it was a long ride]. They start throwing dramatic fits yelling and whining loudly about how they are going to wet their pants if I don't let them go to the bathroom "Please! Please let us go potty mommy! Please!". Ugh.

So there I stand with a baby on my back, the first reading isn't over yet, and I have 3 children screaming and whining at me and blocking traffic for people getting to Mass late and trying to get into the Sanctuary.

I realize it is a lost cause - if they are being this bad this early, there is *no hope* that we will make it to Communion. :( :( I take them to the bathroom and we leave.

And here I am again, sitting in my van crying because I've had to leave Mass AGAIN. [almost every week since my husband ran off].

The three older kids KNOW how to behave in Mass. They were almost always perfect in Mass prior to him leaving, and the 2yo was pretty good - for a 2yo of course.

I think going to Mass upsets them honestly. During the week, they were used to their dad not being around because he was at work. So that hasn't changed much. But their dad always went with us to Mass, and I think going without him really reminds them so much of what they've lost. I think it "pushes their emotional buttons" and that's why they are behaving so badly.

But I don't know what to do. I *need* to be able to go to Mass. I am trying so hard to be a great mom and to get through this spiritually stronger and be a good spiritual example for my children. But I really NEED the Eucharist to do that.

And *I* feel angry at my husband at every Mass when this is happening - I keep thinking that not only has he ruined our lives, but he's damned us all to hell because we can't even get through ONE MASS now. And then I fall into the sin of Anger because I just seethe at him and what he's done.

I tried taking the kids to daily Mass, because it is really really short at our Parish. [like seriously - one of our priests says daily Mass in about 13 minutes!]. But they recently moved daily Mass to our small "day chapel" - and daily Mass is always packed - we always have to stand in the Narthex outside the chapel and the kids definitely have a harder time being good when we have to do that. So it turned into a nightmare too, mostly because we couldn't get seats [usually there are quite a few folks standing outside the chapel because it is really too small for our daily Mass crowd].

I'm also frustrated because our Pastor has been doing some amazing things to promote fellowship at our Church [something sorely lacking in most Catholic Churches]. He instituted the after Mass donuts and coffee social hour thing, and now they have started family dinners every Wednesday night. These are things I have been *longing* for, basically since my conversion in 1985! IF my husband were still around, we would be going to ALL these things and we would be enjoying it so much. As it is, what would be fun with 2 people and 5 young kids, becomes a nightmare when you are just one person and 5 young kids. I have two that are runners - the 4yo and the 2yo, and just keeping up with them by myself is a nightmare. And then of course I have the baby to manage on top of the Running Children. [The 9yo and 6yo are usually fine and would be no trouble at something like that]. Sooo...it just is more than I can handle right now. And I'm sad to miss those things, and I am trying not to feel angry at my husband over it. [mostly successfully - not successfully today though. :( ]

I'm trying to remember that this is just one 'season' of my life - that I will have time for these types of things when my children are older. And I'm mostly remembering to truly enjoy them now, when they are so little, even though I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time.

But, today, I am just feeling whiny and deprived of Jesus. Please pray for me. :)

Girl Day!

My friend has four boys. They are wonderful, intelligent, well mannered children, but they are BOYS. In every sense of the word.

We decided to get together yesterday and have a "Girl Day" and her husband took my son and he and the boys went and did this amazing scavenger hunt in the woods using a compass and everything - totally cool. My son told me that he wished yesterday had never ended. LOL! [Hopefully I'll get pics of that to share too - my friend's husband took photos of their manly exploits ;) ].

Here at my house we had Girl Day. It was SO much fun!!!!

My friend started by teaching the girls how to crochet and knit - something I've always wanted them to learn but don't know how to do myself. They were so intent - the 9yo actually crocheted a little, and the 4yo really worked hard at knitting - my friend and I were amused by how intensely she was working on it in fact! It was neat to see how patient my friend was while she was teaching them too - you have to be a special person to attempt to teach a 4yo [and a 2yo!] to knit! LOL!







Even the 2yo gave it her best shot.

After we did the Girl Crafty Stuff, we moved on to painting our nails and getting hand massages. Everyone had pretty hands and toes by the time we were done!



My friend getting her nails painted - every girl deserves pretty hands!



Monkey4 was so still while I painted hers - its amazing how she can be still as stone when she wants to be, and then a whirling dervish when she is so inclined! And yes, she spent most of the day naked - we had the hardest time just getting her to put on at least a pull up when the boys came back! All my kids have gone through a "naked" stage when they were 2, but none of them so much as this girl! I sure hope it is a temporary phase LOL!



Here is Monkey1 with her display of "girly stuff" for our Girl Day!



Here is Monkey3 getting her nails painted, while the baby looks on from my back! [Monkey3 and Monkey4 decided for some reason they wanted "puppy dog noses and whiskers" on their faces today - so I obliged. No harm, no foul, right?!]



Here is Monkey1 getting her nails done.

Then the boys came back and we all had dinner at our house. Monkey1 made Stuffed Shells, Monkey3 made brownies, and I made some "regular" pasta for those who are purists and don't like stuffed shells. :) We also had some salad and grapes and cucumbers and carrots to go along with it, and some nice warm bread.



Monkey5 [aka "the screaming baby"!] actually decided she liked my friend and was a "nice" baby all night - let my friend and my friend's husband hold her, didn't cry all night... it was great! I hope it is the beginning of a trend!

It was really a great day/night. My friends are such amazing people, and I adore all their children. My kids and their kids get along so well - my children LOVE their boys! I enjoyed the time so much, and so did the kids.

The kids needed a great day yesterday, because today they were supposed to have visitation with their dad [every other Saturday] and he canceled again. First he called at 8am [he was supposed to be here at 9am] and said he "didn't know" if he'd make it because he's on call at work and keeps getting calls. Then he called at 8:45 and said he was getting a shower and then would be on his way. Then he called at 9:30 to say he had gotten another work call and was trying to do it. Then he called just before 11 to say he wasn't coming.

The kids are devastated. I wish he just wouldn't set up a visitation if he isn't going to make it. Don't tell the kids you are coming and then not show up. And I don't have any patience for the "I'm on call" excuse, because he has a laptop and he can answer support calls at my home just as easily as he can at HIS home - we do have internet access. *sigh* Even if he had just come for lunch and stayed 45 minutes at least the children would have felt like he cared about them. My oldest said this morning "Daddy thinks his work is a lot more important than we are." How do I even answer that?

Tomorrow my mom and dad are coming to babysit while I work, so THAT will be fun for the kids. Hopefully they'll feel loved to pieces after that visit! :)