I had something happen at Mass today that has me kind of demoralized.
We went to daily Mass today and afterwards I was talking with a dear friend in the narthex and another woman that I know and love from my Parish came up and told me she had heard the news about my pregnancy. Then she took my hands and got right in my face very seriously and said "You really need to be more careful! Doesn't your blood pressure go haywire with every pregnancy? You really have to be careful!".
I didn't really know how to respond to that. I told her that we HAD been careful, had not planned the pregnancy, had been using NFP to prevent .... and then I felt kind of upset that I had felt like I *had* to share that personal information.
We did what we could *without violating Church teaching* to avoid the pregnancy. That's the situation...
I'm not sure what people want from me. Does she think I don't *know* the danger I'm in?!! I just feel besieged on all sides lately - secular people think I'm an idiot for not having my whole uterus torn out at this point. Family members [and most *Catholic* people I know] think my husband should have had a vasectomy long ago. And then the "more Catholic than thou" folks are giving me a hard time for not being "Catholic enough" in some way - which is still mystifying me.
I am trying so hard at this point to be excited about the pregnancy. I have not bonded with this baby like I did with all my others. I have not really had much joy at all in the pending birth. And my little child *deserves* better than that - this little person is no less worthy or less a GIFT because he/she was unplanned or because he/she is coming at an... inconvenient? time. This pregnancy has been going very fast to me, and I feel like my due date is a date of impending doom more often than I really want to admit.
I need help and support to get through this - I really do. Somehow I have to wrestle with all the emotional issues, health issues, relationship issues, and everything else and still manage to fall in love with this baby and be happy about the birth.
Comments like what I got today aren't helping me. [And I don't mean anything bad about the woman who said this - I know she is genuinely concerned for my wellbeing and I think she is a fantastic person, so don't get me wrong].
I just don't know what people expect me to do, and I feel like no matter what I do it is wrong to almost everyone. Not that those folks really matter - only God matters. But it is the *people* around me that will either help me get through this or will drive me further from where I need to be. :(
15 comments:
During my last pregnancy I studied Hypnobabies. In one of the exercises in it you visualize a "bubble of peace" around your whole body and only good things can come in...all the bad things (distressing comments, etc) bounce off. It helped me to actually visualize those hurtful things NOT coming near me and my baby. You might not enjoy it, but it's an idea.
Mainly you just can't become concerned with what people think or say. YOU know the truth and I'm sure those closest to you who you've feel comfortable sharing the truth with do, too. So try and just let it bounce right off of you!
Oh, that's a nice idea! I really like the idea of hypnobirthing. I just get discouraged because I never get the opportunity for the peaceful, wonderful, all natural births I want so badly.... but I hadn't thought about it keeping me from being anxious during the pregnancy - I could certainly use help with that! Thanks for the suggestion!
Oh my gosh. OK. Deep breath.
I'm not going to waste any energy in wondering what the heck some people are THINKING when they say/do stupid things like that!!!!!
Sigh.
I just wasted energy doing that, didn't I?
Alrighty, start again...
I am hoping and praying that God will blanket you in peace about this pregnancy and this baby. Everything will be FINE! I feel it and I know it. You are supremely prepared to deal with whatever happens here. I usually shun all of those "hypno" ideas, but in this case, it sounds like a nifty idea. Whatever you have to do to keep these comments from hurting you and your baby...I know it raised MY bloodpressure. Not good.
I always wonder what the heck people mean when they say "be careful" after the fact????? What they are REALLY saying is, "You should really do what I think you should do and because you didn't, now I'm going to be all passive/aggressive and condescending and tell you how stupid I think YOU are so I feel smarter and smug about how I would have handled that situation."
ppppthththppptttt on HER!
Okay, deep breath again.
I'm not a huge fan of Kimberly Hahn and I have trouble with some of the things she talks about but I really liked her book Live-Giving Love for how to handle ladies like that in Church and everywhere else when it comes to difficult or dangerous pregnancies.
Don't worry, you're plenty Catholic enough...whatever the heck THAT means! Maybe, when you're faced with this situation again, you could say something like "Thank you for your concern, but instead of judging my choices, could you pray that my baby and I come through this so I can take care of my family?" Okay, you probably won't do that, but it made me feel better to type it!
Kelly, Please know that I'm also praying for your peace and for your force field against the well-meaning fools.
You have always been a "Catholic inspiration" to me.
Visiting here via laurathecrazymama's link... God bless you, "gamma ray" and your family.
I really wanted an all natural, peaceful wonderful hypnobirth, too, but I was totally caught off-guard when my baby had to be delivered at 33 weeks due to my pre-eclampsia. I really wish (and have spent many-a-nights thinking about it) I had submitted to the idea that my birth could've been peaceful though it wasn't "all-natural". I studied and studied my hypnobirthing and in the end I chickened out and panicked. If only I could do it over! Sigh.
Anyway, I hope that you can find peace and joy in this birth no matter what. And, I hope I don't seem pushy or anything by mentioning this but I am selling my used Hypnobabies course right now if you are interested.
Traci, yes I am interested but I don't know how to contact you outside the blog - if you want to leave your email in a comment, I will just not publish the comment [to keep your email private], but I'll contact you about the hypno stuff you are selling. Thanks!
Kelly
Kelly Kelly Kelly,
"you was a Marine". You've been fired at or knew that you could. (I wish I was a Marine, I would have really loved trying my hand at the McGiver stuff.)
Now lots of ladies gave you good advice, but get this, the shots and arrows that are going to really get ya down (and in my own life, blow my mind) are the ones down at the Parish, not the Piggly Wiggly.
Dishearting, sometimes Mean Spirited. But, usually inconsequential. They're not paying your bills, or taking you to the Doctor. (Or cleaning up after the dog and the monkeys when they're sick!)
I would bet tho your lady down at the parish was well meaning. Although a little tactless. So, say a Hail Mary for HER. She needs it and then say one for ME. I really need it.
Talk is cheap, Opinions are too!
Now that's my unsolicited advice. Go hug a Monkey and ruffle another Monkey's hair! And get your fill of kisses!
I followed the link from laura the crazy mama, too.
I had a pregnancy like this, six years ago. It was my sixth child. I felt as if I was being punished somehow by this 'shouldn't have happened according to my chart' baby. I was "embarrassed" for some how "failing" at NFP.
The pregnancy was a struggle, but every moment I was able to acheive calm peacefulness was worth the effort.
I tell you all this because that baby was the biggest blessing of my life (of course all my babies were blessings...) but even now, six years later, when I look at him, I am reminded of God's tender care and loving mercy. That baby brought such light and joy to my life, at a time I didn't even know just how much I needed it. God knew. I still am in awe of the gift this boy is to me. An unasked for gift.
One day at a time, you will get through this pregnancy. You love your baby, which isn't a feeling, it is a decision. You are laying your body down as an altar of sacrifice, which is the greatest act of love.
I will keep you and your wee one in prayer. I am sorry you are struggling, but you will have joy.
Also, next time someone says such things, thank them for their concern, and tell them they could do some laundry or bring a meal or what ever, so you can keep up your health. That will either actually get you some rest, or it will shut them up. Either way, you win. ;)
Blessings to you and your family!
Oh, thank you so much for sharing this! I love hearing what a blessing your sixth has been. I feel that way too - I really think God has wonderful plans in mind with this baby [because God has gone to extraordinary measures to get this baby here LOL!]. I really appreciate being reminded though - thank you so much!
Kelly
No problemo! Us "big headed kids" baby's mamas gotta stick together heeheehee.
Ughhhh! Well meaning I'm sure, but not enlightened...about their OWN faith and it's teachings! God will provide, He has! This is His will and I applaud your trust.
Hang in there! I'll be praying for you. God's peace be with you!
Danette
Oh, Kelly, I wonder what some people are thinking when they speak. Perhaps nothing? I, in my heart, try to believe that they have the best of intentions. I remember when pregnant with my 4th while my husband was in Iraq, people would make comments like, "won't it be a shame if he would never see this baby?" or "did you want a girl so badly that you ignored the fact that he could be called up?" Those kinds of things do eat you up inside and I completely understand how tormenting it is. Not that I had anywhere near the health issues and concerns you have. All I can say is that God will give you the grace you need and always know that He chose *you* to bring this new soul into the world! You are very special and precious in His eyes! (and in a lot of ours, as well!)
God bless,
Lisa
Hmmm....I adore reading Miss Manners and one of her off-limits topics is "birth control", meaning no one has the right to question you on things that are none of their business, like how many little ones you have, or are your children adopted, or, are all those children yours? ...even if they think they are acting out of concern.
She says that we could say, "Oh thank you, we are so happy, looking forward to this," etc no matter what comment preceded this, but in no way is this person owed an explanation, which may even lead them to argue.
I think many of us go through this.
I have spent some time with different priests discussing what to say when people want to give advice.
This all sounds very _itchy of me but I don't mean to be. Hope I didn't offend you.
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