I Ain't Afraid of Dying....

OK, well, that's not really true - I'm terrified of dying. Mostly because I am insanely worried what would happen to my children and my husband if I do.

But I will not let that fear influence my decisions or how I live my life.

It has been an interesting week. I had an OB appointment on Monday, and they did a sonogram that was "inconclusive". The Sonographer was very negative during the sonogram and told me that the baby "wasn't there" and had died and that we should see something by now. She found a gestational sac, but no yolk sac or fetal pole. However, when I saw my OB, he was much more positive. He said it was possible that the baby had died, but it was also VERY possible that it was just too early to see anything. [I was somewhere between 4 weeks 5 days and exactly 5 weeks along].

I was very upset by this at first, and I am praying and sacrificing fervently that my baby may live. But, I am feeling much more at peace now and more positive, partly because I am having such clear pregnancy symptoms that I find it hard to believe that the baby is not alive - I did not experience these kinds of symptoms with the other babies I have miscarried.

If the baby lives, then my life is certainly in danger. I am not stupid. I do understand this.

But some disturbing things have happened this week that leave me pondering.

I told my sister about what was going on. She is the only family we have told at all, but she and I are so close it was just impossible not to share this with her. She did not react well. She was very upset, very concerned that I won't survive. She started saying something and then stopped herself, I am pretty sure she was going to ask me to please consider an abortion. [Which she knows I would never do, which is why she stopped herself].

A friend that I know through a Preeclampsia support group also contacted me this week. She contacted me with the suggestion that I stop taking the progesterone [I have had to take progesterone with almost all of my pregnancies or I miscarry]. She made the point that if my placenta was faulty [which it always is with every baby - this is what most directly leads to my preeclampsia], then the progesterone would give it "just enough help" to get it implanted and then later in the pregnancy it would cause me to develop PE again and be at severe risk of injury and death.

But of course, stopping the progesterone means almost certain death for my baby. And there is no way I will do that. I know that this friend is speaking only out of concern - she knows how bad this may be. She knows how close things were last time. She is speaking out of concern for my life.

But the fact is, I will never trade my baby's life for my own. No matter what. I won't stop taking progesterone and compromise my baby's life any more than I would take a knife and slit the throat of my 9 year old if Satan showed up on my doorstep and offered me 50 more years of perfect health if I did. Both of these children are just as important - the one we can see and the one we can't. And each of their lives is worth more than my own in my opinion.

I am not stupid. At least in the sense of understanding exactly what the risks are - I do.

Many people might argue that I AM stupid for becoming pregnant again, however accidentally. But we were trying to follow the teachings of the Church. I cannot feel stupid for doing that.

My husband and I have been arguing about this for the last 3 months. [Well, honestly for the last year]. He really wants to seek a permanent solution to our "hyper fertility". I understand him. I understand why he feels this way. He is very concerned that I will die - he is full of fear [and this is not illogical]. He would already have taken these steps if not for my strenuous protests, and I think at this point that he will take these steps regardless of my feelings.

But the very idea breaks my heart. Practically speaking, I can understand the sanity of his choice. Spiritually speaking, it is eating me up. I have strived for the last 11 years to live my life in complete obedience to the Will of God [and failing miserably, but always trying my best].

I hope that this baby lives. I want this baby SO MUCH now that it exists [planned or not!]

I hope that I live.

I hope that one day my husband holds this child in his arms, looks me in the eyes, and thinks "Gosh, I'm so glad she was right!"

I hope one day my sister is able to give this child a piggy back ride and think "Oh, thank God for this little miracle!"

But this may not be so. The Will of God is not always gentle, not always shiny and happy. It may be His Will that I am to die with this birth. I hope this is not His Will, but part of accepting His Will is accepting it no matter WHAT.

If He does decide to take me in childbirth, then I can only trust to His Divine Mercy that he will care for my children and my husband. There are many notable Saints who lost their mothers at a young age [St. Therese and John Paul the Great come immediately to mind] and there are many men who managed to grow in holiness while raising their children alone [St. Therese's father comes to mind as one...he is now a Blessed]. I can only pray that this will be the fate of my children and my husband if they are without me.

My task for this Lent is to come to peace with the Will of God. No matter what. In all circumstances. My task is to leave my fear behind and grow in Trust - until I can truthfully say, with no reservation, "I Ain't Afraid of Dying."