Did you ever read about those Saints who lived on no food except the Eucharist for many, many years?
I am no Saint [with a Big S or a little s], unfortunately, but I do have a "Super Power".
I don't sleep. I never get to sleep. And yet I live.
My first 2 children were nightmare sleepers - my oldest didn't sleep through a single night of her life until she was 7 years old [I am NOT kidding] and she still occasionally wakes up at night. Kid #2 was even worse, for the first 18 months of his life, he woke every 37 minutes exactly. [I'm serious - it was bizarre]. We took him to doctors, Chiropractors... anything we could think of. He finally did outgrow that, and he started sleeping through the night when he was about 4.
Monkey3 was much better than the two others and only woke a few times at night and slept through the night by the time she was 2, but at that point I had her two older siblings waking up Tag-Team all night so it didn't help me much.
Monkey4 was Pure Mercy from God. She slept 20 hours a day as a newborn and by 6 weeks she slept 8 hours at night [and oddly enough, she was the first baby I drank ANY caffeine with either while pregnant or nursing...I was drinking caffeine like crazy when pregnant with her because I never got sleep and had to care for the other 3]. She started waking more as she got teeth, but she was never a hideous nightwaker like the monkeys that came before her. She slept through the night most nights by the time she was 18 months old and she's a great sleeper still.
And now we have Monkey5 - The Worst Sleeper Ever. She makes my other kids look like lazy lay abouts. Very rarely, we will have an exceptional night, where she will only wake 5 or 6 times. Most nights she wakes two or more times every hour, and when she's sick or teething, she will wake every 10-15 minutes around the clock. She will also fairly frequently sleep a half hour or so and then wake up and stay up till 1 or 2am ... [2 of my other kids wake up for the day by 5-5:30 am - because they are insane - and that is when my days start]
Right now Monkey5 is both sick AND teething. I bet I didn't sleep 10 minutes at one time all night last night. AND she's combative when she's in pain - so not only did she keep waking up screaming all night long, but she kept waking up *attacking* me - biting, pinching, scratching... like some rabid wild animal.
I've been trying to wean her for months now. She is the most determined nurser I've ever dealt with. My husband has been trying to get her back to sleep when she wakes up, but she demands ME - she screamed for more than 2 hours the other night while he held her in another room to try to get her back to sleep so I could rest. [Of course, I couldn't rest with her screaming, our house is NOT sound proof]. He's the one who gets her to sleep every night to start with, but once she wakes up, it MUST be me.
I have never used "Cry It Out" with any of my kids, but I'm not opposed to the idea at this desperate point with this child - I just don't think it will work. She's *SO* insanely determined to get what she wants [ME, all night, every night].
I am scared to death of when this baby gets here - I really don't know how I'm alive right now as it is [let's just say I drink more caffeine than any pregnant woman should at this point]. My husband alleges that I died several years ago and only the caffeine is keeping my corpse animated... LOL!
Not only am I physically exhausted from not sleeping in ... years... but I'm emotionally and spiritually exhausted too.
I never get a break - never. And I hate to complain, because SO many people are worse off than I am. But it really is starting to get to me.
Because of my husband's instability, I can't leave the kids with him. Ever. When he's doing well, he is an amazing, fantastic father, he really is. But that can change so quickly and dramatically that I can't leave even for a one hour doctor's appointment. [And since I have TONS of doc appts right now with the high risk pregnancy, that in and of itself is becoming a serious stressor].
Thus, I never get a moment's break. I am on call, literally, 24/7. It never stops, and I don't even get to "recharge" with sleep. I can never have coffee with a friend, or attend a Bible Study, or go to "Mother's Night Out" with the homeschool group, or spend "one on one time" with any of my children. It is me and the Monkey Hoard no matter where I have to go or what I have to do.
I really miss scrapbooking. That's my only hobby, and I feel it is a service to the family too, because we ALL enjoy the albums. I used to get to go 1 or 2 times a year to do scrapbooking... not any more.
With 5 young kids it is hard to talk on the phone, so there is no socializing that way. I can barely make calls for doctor's appts and such, let alone talk to a friend. It is hard to be an extrovert in this situation.
I feel very, very isolated.
I am also scared to death about what is going to happen if I have to go on bedrest or into the hospital in a few weeks [statistically, based on past pregnancies, I'll probably be on bedrest in about 3-5 weeks]. I have no idea what we will do if that happens because our support system has just basically fallen apart over the last 18 months.
And spiritually, this is killing me. I used to always have an hour of Adoration each week in the middle of the night, and it really helped me stay on the straight and narrow with God - it helped me stay connected to Him really and focused on what I should be doing. I've had to give that up, because the baby wakes all night long and DH can't be left to care for her [he doesn't handle middle of the night wakes up well even at his best]. My spiritual life has really suffered - gone into the toilet really - since I had to give up Adoration. I have tried taking the children with me [like today we went at 9am], but it always turns into a nightmare with the smaller kids and it is never a good experience unfortunately.
I have never been a "Me" kind of person - I really enjoy taking care of others, and especially caring for my family. But the years without end...with no break in sight... it is getting me down a bit right now. I think this is mostly because I am feeling so worried about when the new baby arrives and how I will possibly cope with a newborn when I already feel so overwhelmed...
So I am praying. A lot. And begging God's help to "Suck it Up" and drive on. [Hey, it DOES give me a lot to offer up for others and there are a couple of families I know and love who really could use these sacrifices right now].
I am also realizing that in about 14 months I will cross the hump - at that point my oldest child will be able to babysit the others [with pay of course - I'm not going to be a mom who dumps all my kids on my poor oldest! LOL!] while I run to the doctor or take the baby in for her vaccines. That will make a HUGE difference in my life.
So, I am trying to bear these things patiently and trying to turn them for good - in offering them up. Some days I succeed and some days I fail. Today I am failing because I am feeling a tiny bit sorry for myself, which I'm sure negates all the Graces I *could* be earning here bearing this Valiantly and offering it up for others.
Today I just feel so tired...
3 comments:
Oh, Kelly, you are allowed to be human and post that you are exhausted! My heart goes out to you.
I used to laugh and say that I didn't sleep through the night for 7 or 8 years, but it was difficult. My kids were lousy sleepers, as well. My youngest still is.
Maybe as your oldest is able or if there is a mother's helper from your homeschooling group you could depend upon, you can get out of the house a little, even if it is just to get to Adoration for an hour! You can probably even take your newborn with you and leave the rest with the helper for a short time.
I'll pray that a solution makes itself available to you soon!
Love ya! Hang in there! Your faith is awesome. Don't ever doubt it. You continue to be an inspiration to me.
Please keep this in a safe place.
One day your kids and possibly your daughter-in-law may have the "look" of exhaustion. You will be able to let her know you've really been there. Maybe if you find a solution, please post it also. Because I was nearly psychotic without sleep. More than grouchy, nearly incapable to do anything around the house. Oh and such a joy to be around. You my dear still have your sense of humour and that can only be a fruit of the Spirit. (So keep your "kitchen" prayer going and know that your webfriends andd your reality friends are praying for you! I wish I could give you a little break and watch your kids. Maybe one of the homeschooling or parish families near you could though, don't be afraid to ask! Remember, people aren't mindreaders in your "real" life, and many people are grateful for the opportunity to serve.)
Kelly,
I have finally weaned my baby (june 20!), (she will be two next weekend). It was hard, I was engorged for a week, and she cried while punching and kicking with her eyes closed. My hub works nights so it wasnt like I could hand her off to him. My nineyearold was able to rock her to sleep sometimes, as it seemed almost as if baby was mad at me. Anyway we are over that now (although she still yells at me to "get up, get up" when she awakes at night, (she used to nurse back to sleep) so I have to get up and jiggle her on my shoulder till she falls back to sleep. (I know that sounds exhausting while pregnant as you are...) Hang in there, I will say a decade just for you guys. Remember to catch a small nap here and there while they are all playing together nicely. 5 mins here and there can make a world of difference, and the dishes, (and even dinner sometimes) can wait!
Things happen gradually, not all at once, take it one day at a time. (One moment at a time, sometimes!)
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