Struggling....

How funny that I now find myself struggling when things are finally going so much better than they were a month or two ago.

My husband is moving back home this week. I have mixed feelings about this. But, the bottom line is that we cannot afford to maintain two separate dwelling places and if I don't want my house to go into foreclosure, something has to change. So, it is largely a financial decision on my part.

The children were also becoming extremely upset every time he left and went back to his apartment - it became a very big anxiety producer for them. They want their dad at home [of course, don't all children?].

My husband wanted to come home very badly - he hated living separate from us and wants to be "home". His roommate is a very difficult person too, and that causes problems as well.

I had said he could not move home until March [6 months]. I had then modified that to January [based on my children's piteous pleas and his strong desire to move home]. Now I've agreed to this week...

My husband is trying REALLY hard. He is doing extremely well - better than he's been since his major breakdown in 2003. He is enjoying his children, enjoying his wife, enjoying the dogs... just really enjoying life. Lithium seems to be *really* helping him already - he is much more stable than he's been in years.

I enjoy my husband when he is like this - I am enjoying being around him and having him home. He IS a really likable person when he's stable [there were great reasons I married him]. He is fun and funny [our home is filled with laughter once more!].

But I am fearful that it won't last. I *hope* that it will last. I know he *wants* it to last, but what if it doesn't? I can't live with the massive personality changes and moods swings that come along with his instability. I just don't want to go back to that and I won't *allow* my children to have to go back to that. And once he moves home, I lose the option of saying "Hey, you are being a wacko right now, you need to go back to your apartment and call me when you are doing better".

There is also the curious situation that developed in which I had gotten our routines down and was actually handling the "single mom" thing VERY well - after the initial 5 weeks when he left [which were TRULY horrible], I got the "hang of it" and things were going great most of the time. We were enjoying life again and things were pretty smooth. I was amazed at how much I *could* manage all by myself - it was cool.

And now I have to find new ways to live and exist while incorporating my husband back into the family.

And of course, as I've said before, the children and I have no alternatives as far as where we live - we either find a way to keep our house, or we move home to live [all 6 of us] in my parents' spare bedroom. And every month I am getting more and more behind since our family income has been split between two residences. He either moves home so we can save that money [we've already paid rent for December, so I still have to survive this month], or the house is going to go into foreclosure in short order [I'd say within 60 days].

I'm just tired of feeling like I don't have any choices - I feel completely trapped and at the mercy of other people's decisions. I think God does this on purpose so that I *have* to rely on HIS mercy, but sometimes it is still really hard for me.

And then there is the other problem with him moving home [and only you who are devout Catholics are going to "get" this I know]. With him home, preventing pregnancy becomes much more of an issue. We have always followed Church teaching in this respect [since our reversion/conversion 10 years ago]. But, NFP does not work for us [and yes, we know how to do it. We went through the CCL training to be NFP teachers back in 2001]. We are hyper fertile, that's just the thing.

But, *obviously* with all that has happened, another pregnancy is a huge deal and probably a really bad idea. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD in the wake of my last birth this past January where I almost died and got brain damage as a result of an eclamptic seizure - our marriage counselor feels that it was the "trigger" for his breakdown this summer. Aside from the fact that I could really, seriously die if I got pregnant again [though personally I'm willing to trust the Lord with that 100%], my husband does not feel he could remain sane and stable through another pregnancy - and I believe him. I just don't know how I could manage a complicated pregnancy with 5 other young children all on my own....

We are trying for complete abstinence, but, well, it isn't working 100% for us. And it only takes ONE slip up to cause a pregnancy as we all know.

I've discussed the whole matter with my Spiritual Advisor and every devout Catholic I know, but nobody has any real answer to our situation. This is a HUGE stressor for me right now.

We don't know what to do. We both actually wanted more children before this last pregnancy and there is still a part of me that would want another child regardless - 6 is such a nice number. LOL!

[Yes, I realize I'm insane, but I'm being honest here].

Then I'm struggling with other "smaller" things.

I can't find childcare for the children while I work [my husband cannot be left solely in charge of their care for obvious reasons], and I have to work some evenings [at least one a month] in order to keep my job. I am really stressing about this, because I need my job for financial reasons of course, but also because it is the ONLY chance I have of supporting my kids if my husband does go off the deep end again. I've missed work twice in the last month after 9 years of never missing a day of work [I have worked while suffering from kidney stones, while puking with morning sickness, while on bedrest with pregnancy! I NEVER miss my commitments]. I can't even find someone I can *hire* to babysit 5 kids at night and it is starting to get scary for me - I do want to keep my job.

Then there is just the house. I have always struggled to keep on top of the house [and usually I am lacking to some extent] since we had our second child. [Before I had children I was a bit of a neurotic neat freak...not that anyone would EVER guess that looking at my house these days!] After all that has happened in the last 3 months, the house is even worse than it ever has been before. I get depressed just being in this kind of messy environment and I'm not sure what to do about it. I am sure part of the answer lies in harnessing my child labor force :) and also in making my husband do his share... but I can't seem to manage all that either. Sometimes forcing the children to do their part is so much harder than just doing it myself that I tend to cop out and just do it. But then I end up with the situation that ONE PERSON cannot do ALL the work to keep the school and living space of 7 human beings clean, perfect, and running well.

Argh.

And, ironically, it is NOW, when I am mired down in all the small stresses of trying to get back to a normal life, that I am struggling with my faith. I keep wanting to ask God "Why?" and that is just NEVER a good question. Aside from the fact that I won't get an answer until I die [if I do even then], it only just breeds discontent in my heart. I need to just accept the Will of God and not question why all this stuff keeps happening.

But that is really hard to do some times. I am having a hard time not just yearning with all my being for a "normal" life.