Greetings From Purgatory

It is 5pm. I have home made whole wheat yeast rolls in the oven and I am warming up a grilled chicken my brother gave me, along with steaming some broccoli. The baby has to be held every second and has been especially fussy today because she's not feeling well and she's getting a bunch of teeth. Because she's not feeling well, I haven't slept more than a few minutes at a time in 3 nights. I am very, very tired.

My sink is piled full of dishes. For the past 2 days, every time I got the baby to sleep and thought I'd have time to do them, she woke up just a few minutes later because, again, she's sick. She was burning up with a fever of 104 last night, but the illness is a mystery illness at this point - I don't know what's causing it.

In addition to not getting any dishes done, I've gotten no laundry done. My house is a nightmare. Every moment I am holding the baby and if I put her down to do anything else at all, she screams bloody murder until I pick her back up. It is wearing on my nerves - the nerves that are already horribly frayed from not sleeping in so long.

So, I need to get the chicken cut up and I can't do that while holding her. I ask my son [6yo] to go get the baby backpack out of the van so I can put her on my back [where she is happy] while I cut up the chicken.

My son goes to do this and both dogs run out the front door. They are both big and they are both jumpers and they jump on anyone they get close to. Our street is a sweet, friendly, neighborhood street with lots of families and lots of elderly people. The dogs usually find someone to jump on very quickly once they make it out the door.

In addition, my 4yo runs out after them - across the street without looking, into a neighbor's back yard. With me chasing her screaming at her to stop. [I sat the baby down in the boppy on the floor so I could sprint after her]. The dogs keep running, I finally catch the 4yo and get her to go back to the house - screaming and crying the whole way [the 4yo that is]. [We have discussed this at length over and over again - she knows that when the dogs escape, she is supposed to sit on the couch until I get back. I am afraid she's going to be killed chasing after these stupid dogs one day].

I get back to our yard with her and my 2yo is standing on the porch. She is buck naked, except for a jump rope she's wearing around her shoulders and two different shoes [mismatched] on her feet. The baby is screaming so loud you can hear her in the street.



I go into the house and get some cheese [the dogs' favorite treat] and I ask my son to get the dogs' leashes while I go chase them.

About a quarter mile down the street I catch up to the dogs, they have jumped on some teenage girls in our neighborhood, one of whom is screaming hysterically. I grab both dogs by the collar and begin dragging them back to the house. I meet my son and my 4yo [who has, again, ignored me completely and come out into the street] with the leashes. I take the dogs into the house and put them directly into the backyard and contemplate making them "outside" dogs because they are so bad about door bolting [running out the front door] and I can't seem to train it out of them.

Inside the house, the baby is now so hysterical that she's heaving and screaming and hiccuping. The oven is beeping because I'm about to burn my rolls. The chicken isn't cut up. The broccoli is still in a frozen state.

I put the baby on my back and begin to try to get dinner ready. None of the kids wants to help and do their jobs [getting drinks, silverware, napkins, etc]. It takes an act of Congress just to get them to wash their hands [and I'm still not sure a couple of them did].

We finally sit down to eat and everyone complains. Everyone likes the fresh bread. Some of them don't like the chicken. Some of them don't like the broccoli. The 2yo pours her entire glass of water in the floor on purpose. They fight over who gets which piece of bread.

After a miserable dinner [with the baby on my back the whole time], we go up to get baths. They fight over who goes first, who goes last, who bathes with who. They fight over how hot the water should be. They fight over the bath toys. The 9yo just disappears completely. The 6yo [son] is trying to be helpful, but in between he's fighting with the 4yo [his best friend/ arch-nemesis] almost non stop.

In the midst of this, their father calls [like he's supposed to every night but usually doesn't]. He talks to the 6yo for a minute, then the 2yo for a second, and then when the 4yo gets the phone, he says he has to go and hangs up. She begins bawling and screaming "I want my daddy! I want to talk to daddy!" I call him back and he says he has a work call so he can't talk to them. So, 2 of them don't get to talk to him and the 4yo is hysterical about it. She screams and cries about it for more than 15 minutes. I WANT to snap and go catatonic because I just can't deal with any more screaming today....

They fight over who goes in when, then they won't bathe. Then they won't get out. Then they won't get dressed. The 2yo turns the entire bathroom into a lake by dumping large amounts of water outside the tub while I'm trying to get the 6yo dressed. The baby is in my arms most of the time, otherwise she's screaming her head off. How can one baby scream this much and not just explode? My head feels like its going to implode.

After the younger 4 are washed and out of the tub, I can't find the 9yo, despite calling her several times very loudly. I finally find her in the spare bedroom just daydreaming... and ignoring me. When I tell her to get into the tub, she throws a fit like a 2 year old. Then I can't get her out of the tub - I ask her several times over almost half an hour to get out - while I dress the kids who need dressing, help whoever needs help, and carry the ever screaming baby around while I do it. The 4yo and the 6yo take turns cooperating to do things they aren't supposed to [a la Bonnie and Clyde] and then turning on one another and trying to kill each other. The 2yo is deconstructing the whole room and refuses all attempts to dress her. The baby is still... screaming.

Finally I threaten the 9yo with death or something equally dramatic and she gets out of the tub. I have everyone's jammies on and the baby has been nursed. I can't find the 9yo. I yell for her - no response. I finally go looking for her and she is daydreaming in the spare bedroom again. I ask her why she hasn't come to bed yet - she screams at me that its not even *close* to bedtime yet! [Bedtime is in 15 minutes and they still have Bible stories to be read, prayers to be said, and lullabyes to be sung]. I tell her to get in the bed so we can read and she throws another tantrum like a 2yo. Then she gets into the bed and asks if she can go ahead and pray without us since she's so tired she can't stay up long enough to hear the bedtime stories... ARGH!

I leave the room and go to the spare bedroom and fall down on my knees and pray to Jesus for help - because I really feel like I can't stand one more second of this or I will go insane.

During the bedtime story everyone fought, screamed, cried, and hurt each other. NOBODY listened to the story, but then when it was over, two of them pitched utter fits to have "another" story! Then during prayers nobody cooperated and everyone was basically offensive to God with their irreverent antics. The 4yo and 6yo seem intent on killing each other - literally - over *every little thing*. The 2yo is still naked. The baby is still screaming. My head is pounding.

Finally it is lights out [15 minutes LATER than bedtime was supposed to be]. The 4yo and 6yo keep trying to kill each other after lights are out. They keep getting out of bed and coming down stairs where I'm trying to get the 2yo and the baby to sleep. They won't stop even after I *beg* them to be good and quiet. They finally get spanked. I am becoming worried because they are behaving SO Badly and I'm so exhausted that I really am about to snap. I realize that I *need* them to go to sleep soon before I completely lose it and become Abusive Monster Mommy. I burst into frantic tears.

The baby drops off to sleep almost as soon as I sit down with her. The 2yo follows very quickly - they are all exhausted. The moment the 4yo and 6yo lie quiet in bed for 30 seconds, they fall asleep.

Finally they are all in bed. For now - in a matter of minutes someone will wake up [most likely the baby] and I'll start over again on trying to get them back to sleep. Or, like last night, the 4yo will wake up screaming and wake them ALL up and I will try to get them back to sleep...alone.

I am trying to stay so upbeat and positive, but most of our nights are like this. I really feel just depressed tonight - I feel beaten down, overwhelmed, like I'm drowning. I have no idea how I am going to keep doing this night after night after night without going completely insane.

And I have more to say but the baby did just wake up. She slept exactly 16 minutes and she will do this again all night long...

Christ Have Mercy.