Whose Life Is This Anyway?!!!

OK, so things are just weird around here. Not that I'm complaining - they are finally good weird and not bad weird. LOL! It has been a wonderful, fun, happy week at our house.

Last week I was reading a book called "Dinosaur's Divorce" to my children [their therapist gave it to me to read to them and to help us discuss all the issues they are having with their dad leaving us]. It is really a cute book, and I went ahead and bought a copy. I hope none of you ever need it, but if you know anyone going through a divorce with kids, it was really helpful.

Anyway, we were reading the book and stopping at each page to let each child talk about their feelings. The book covered just about everything I could have imagined about divorce. Then we got to the section on parents dating and remarrying, and I almost didn't read it because I didn't want to upset the kids, and I was sure the idea of that would upset them. But they were insistent that I read the whole book.

When I got to that part, they were all VERY excited at the idea of me dating and remarrying. I was kind of blind-sided, but it was cool to see their perspective. They were very enthusiastic about getting a "nice step father" [and even went into this whole side conversation about what they would call him] and then they got VERY excited about the idea of having step siblings. When the book was done, they were all very enthusiastically pushing me to start dating and "find a new husband as soon as possible!"

Which I thought was just weird - but they are so open and generous with their love, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I had kind of been thinking along the lines of "I will be by myself for the rest of my life" because I thought it would upset the kids if I started dating again or contemplated remarriage.

So, strangely enough, I find myself in the situation of actually possibly starting to date again. How weird is that? I mean, I never would have dreamed ANY of this two months ago. Wow. How the world can just turn upside down in a matter of weeks, I just don't know.

My sister was also being very positive about me dating and remarrying. She has been telling me for weeks that she really felt there were probably lots of devout Catholic men out there who are in the same kind of situation I am in - their wives ditched them with children to raise and they are interested in remarrying a devout Catholic woman in a similar situation. At first I was thinking she had to be wrong - all the devout Catholic men I know are very happily married [as they should be LOL! - either that or the priesthood!].

But I started looking around, and I'm realizing that she's right. There are a lot of devout Catholic men out there raising their children alone who would be eligible and interested in remarrying in the Church. Cool!

So, I've poked my head out of the sand the last few days and I've sorta been looking around. I realized that I haven't really LOOKED at another man in more than a decade - seriously. I never noticed other men in all these years of marriage. I didn't even make *eye contact* with other men, besides personal friends of my husband and I.

Now I'm walking through the grocery store noticing that there are single men *everywhere* and I can look at them. How funny! And fun. LOL! They are looking back too. ;)

I've done a lot of introspection over the last 6 weeks [nothing like having your life completely destroyed out of the blue to get you introspectin']. I am open to God's Will, and I am praying about God's Will. It has occurred to me pretty clearly that God created me an extrovert - I mean a *serious* extrovert. I max out the extrovert part of any personality test I've ever taken. I LOVE being around other people, and I NEED to be around other people. And I truly LOVE being around one special person too - I get a lot of satisfaction out of taking care of my spouse and trying to make his life better every moment of my day. Given who I am at my deepest level, it seems doubtful to me that it is God's plan that I remain alone for the rest of my life. I will keep praying, and if I do discern that being alone is His Will, then I will do my best to accomplish that. But I find it doubtful that God would put me in that situation.

So, I am gradually opening my mind and heart to the idea that God may have a real, sacramental marriage in mind for me - that God may, at this very moment, have a man planned for me - a relationship where both partners could *truly* help each other to grow in holiness and get to Heaven. And this time around, I am going to use my *brain* to choose a husband, not any other parts of myself. LOL!

In fact, I'm trusting God to bring the man to me very clearly if that is His design. [Heck, maybe it will even be a guy with 7 kids - I always wanted an even dozen. LOL!]

How strange this all is. I still can't believe I'm here. I still can't believe this is my life. Every day I wake up with this surreal feeling that I have somehow stepped in to someone *else's* life, that this couldn't possibly be mine.

And I am certain many of my friends will think "Is she CRAZY? How can she be thinking about remarriage again already?!" But I'm finding the idea really helpful - it is helping me stay positive and upbeat, it is helping me avoid despair and moping. I don't think that's a bad thing. :) Hope for future happiness is never a bad thing is it?

Either way, no matter what God has planned, I know that He is good and I can trust his design implicitly.