I'm Glad I Didn't Know

At the risk of sounding like an absolute teeny bopper.... LOL!

There is a Garth Brooks song I have loved for a long time. [I know, I know...you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl!]

There are actually quite a few of his songs I love a lot ["Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"...], but this one I'm thinking of today is called "The Dance". He wrote it in the wake of his own divorce many years back I believe. The relevant parts to this post are:

"Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say, you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

I first fell in love with this song back in 2003, when my husband had his first major breakdown and a whole slew of health problems to go with it. We lost everything that year - our home, our savings, our retirement fund...everything but our kids and each other. It was a very painful year. But looking back, it was the Genesis of so much Grace and Spiritual Growth in my life - I wouldn't trade 2003 for anything now.

A sweet friend of mine was saying that she was having trouble being open to life in her marriage because she felt that eventually her husband would leave her and she was very afraid of that. I can understand what she means. I think it would be a lot harder to be open to life in that situation.

If, looking back, I had *known* what would happen, would I have done things differently? Maybe...probably yes. I mean, what sane woman would have 5 kids with a man who she knew would abandon her?

But I never had a clue. I knew there was a good chance he might end up in an institution at some point. I also knew there was a better than average chance he'd die of some disease because his health was always very poor. But I never in my wildest dreams thought he'd abandon me and the kids - and that confidence is what gave me the strength to get through all those difficult years.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know. Because if I'd known, I probably would have done things differently. I would probably only have my first three children [or none at all? Depending on how early I realized this!]. I would have missed out on the *incredibly* joyful experience of my 2yo and my baby. I can't imagine my life without them. The world [and my life in particular] is so enriched - is so much better for having these two little people in it.

I'm glad I didn't know. Our ignorance is a true gift from the Lord.

I can look back on 12 years of marriage and I can remember the happy things. I can remember my husband's sense of humor and the way he made us laugh. I can remember the good things about him. We had some really difficult times, more than most people will ever have. But it wasn't all bad by a long shot. It was a blessing while it lasted. I am sorry for the way it ended, but I am OK - really, truly OK.

And I can move on without being bitter - truly he has gotten the bad end of the deal. I feel for him and I still care for him deeply - I always will. He is the father of the 5 most amazing individuals I know.

But I am so happy where I am. I am happy. I am surprised to find that this is so, because being abandoned like this has always been my worst nightmare. [Truly, every time I got pregnant I used to have nightmares about my husband abandoning me and the baby/ies like this and every time he would tell me how ridiculous that was and every time I would agree....the dreams seem absolutely prophetic in retrospect, but at the time they seemed just crazy].

But it is so. God is here, my babies surround me, I have beautiful, deeply Christian friends all around, my extended family has proven to be the most amazingly supportive, wonderful family imaginable...and I am the most blessed woman on earth.

I'm so very, very glad I didn't know.

God's plan is always better than ours.