Will I Ever Receive Communion Again?

I'll just warn up front - this is a whiny post. Feel free to skip it. :)

We just got back from Mass. I got no sleep last night - seriously, less than 3 hours and not more than 30 minute in a row without being woken up even during the 3 hours. [Which is probably why I'm feeling whiny instead of "bucking up"!] This is following more than a week of almost no sleep [baby is teething and kids are passing around a high mystery fever that makes them unable to sleep].

OH, how I did want to just sleep in - put on a video for the kids and try to sleep even ONE hour without being awoken - but even more, I wanted to be at Mass and I wanted to receive Communion. I *need* those Graces right now more than ever. I have to teach today at noon, so my only chance was 8:30am Mass [our usual Mass anyway, so that works out!]

So, I got everyone up, got them fed, got them dressed - they looked great. We got to Church as they were singing the entrance hymn. I usually try to be there 10-15 minutes early to try to make sure we get a good seat, but since I've been doing the single mom thing that is not happening. I was just glad we only missed about 30 seconds of the first song.

But of course, there were no seats left, so I was standing in the Narthex with the kids for Mass.

The entrance hymn was not even OVER yet before the trouble began. :(

The 2yo starts screaming for me to hold her - I have the baby on my back in the backpack, and I know if I start holding her that early, she'll demand to be held through the whole Mass and I will be *hurting* before we get to the homily. [She's a BIG kid!] I'm trying to hold her hand, hug her to my body, talk sweetly to her, do anything but pick her up and hold her [because I just can't physically hold her and the baby for the whole Mass]. She proceeds to start throwing a tantrum right there in the Narthex, screaming her head off and throwing herself around on the floor.

While this is going on, my 6yo decides he doesn't want my 4yo to sit *anywhere* near him on the floor - and she, of course, wants to sit right next to her big brother. She hasn't done anything to him, and she's trying to sit nicely and just be next to him, but he won't have it and he is moving all around, refusing to sit down because she keeps moving next to him. I tell her to sit next to me instead, she disobeys. I tell him to stand next to me, he disobeys. Then he begins trying to run around the Narthex to get away from her, and she begins to chase him.

Then they both come to me saying they have to go to the bathroom "really bad". I say no. [They know they aren't supposed to go to the bathroom during Mass - which is only about 50 minutes long- and they know that they are supposed to go at home before we leave or wait till after Mass, and we live literally 2 minutes from Church, so its not like it was a long ride]. They start throwing dramatic fits yelling and whining loudly about how they are going to wet their pants if I don't let them go to the bathroom "Please! Please let us go potty mommy! Please!". Ugh.

So there I stand with a baby on my back, the first reading isn't over yet, and I have 3 children screaming and whining at me and blocking traffic for people getting to Mass late and trying to get into the Sanctuary.

I realize it is a lost cause - if they are being this bad this early, there is *no hope* that we will make it to Communion. :( :( I take them to the bathroom and we leave.

And here I am again, sitting in my van crying because I've had to leave Mass AGAIN. [almost every week since my husband ran off].

The three older kids KNOW how to behave in Mass. They were almost always perfect in Mass prior to him leaving, and the 2yo was pretty good - for a 2yo of course.

I think going to Mass upsets them honestly. During the week, they were used to their dad not being around because he was at work. So that hasn't changed much. But their dad always went with us to Mass, and I think going without him really reminds them so much of what they've lost. I think it "pushes their emotional buttons" and that's why they are behaving so badly.

But I don't know what to do. I *need* to be able to go to Mass. I am trying so hard to be a great mom and to get through this spiritually stronger and be a good spiritual example for my children. But I really NEED the Eucharist to do that.

And *I* feel angry at my husband at every Mass when this is happening - I keep thinking that not only has he ruined our lives, but he's damned us all to hell because we can't even get through ONE MASS now. And then I fall into the sin of Anger because I just seethe at him and what he's done.

I tried taking the kids to daily Mass, because it is really really short at our Parish. [like seriously - one of our priests says daily Mass in about 13 minutes!]. But they recently moved daily Mass to our small "day chapel" - and daily Mass is always packed - we always have to stand in the Narthex outside the chapel and the kids definitely have a harder time being good when we have to do that. So it turned into a nightmare too, mostly because we couldn't get seats [usually there are quite a few folks standing outside the chapel because it is really too small for our daily Mass crowd].

I'm also frustrated because our Pastor has been doing some amazing things to promote fellowship at our Church [something sorely lacking in most Catholic Churches]. He instituted the after Mass donuts and coffee social hour thing, and now they have started family dinners every Wednesday night. These are things I have been *longing* for, basically since my conversion in 1985! IF my husband were still around, we would be going to ALL these things and we would be enjoying it so much. As it is, what would be fun with 2 people and 5 young kids, becomes a nightmare when you are just one person and 5 young kids. I have two that are runners - the 4yo and the 2yo, and just keeping up with them by myself is a nightmare. And then of course I have the baby to manage on top of the Running Children. [The 9yo and 6yo are usually fine and would be no trouble at something like that]. Sooo...it just is more than I can handle right now. And I'm sad to miss those things, and I am trying not to feel angry at my husband over it. [mostly successfully - not successfully today though. :( ]

I'm trying to remember that this is just one 'season' of my life - that I will have time for these types of things when my children are older. And I'm mostly remembering to truly enjoy them now, when they are so little, even though I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time.

But, today, I am just feeling whiny and deprived of Jesus. Please pray for me. :)