Free!

So, Jesus did something really cool for me last night. :)

I was having a really bad night, I mean seriously bad. I'd had a bad week actually. I was feeling so sad, just devastated. I was feeling powerless to move on. I was feeling totally overwhelmed and completely unable to move forward into this strange new life my husband has handed me. I was missing my husband so bad it hurt. I was bawling my eyes out all evening [after I got the kids to bed]. I was totally in despair.

And I remembered something I've read in a couple of places lately - that Jesus will send you His consolation if you ask for it. And so I did - I just prayed and prayed for Jesus to heal my heart and take away the terrible, unbearable pain I was feeling. After I prayed, I messed around on the computer for a while [and posted about my toddler's amazing antics :) ].

An hour or so later, I realized I felt *better*. I mean really better. The pain was gone. I am still sad, but I am no longer devastated. And I woke up today feeling 100% better than I have in weeks.

We had a great day! I was happy, lighter, full of hope and laughter. In turn, my children were also. [You know how that works right - the kids always feed off their mama!].

I realized today that Jesus has great things planned for me. My life is not over. To the contrary, I think its about to get a lot better.

Today I had the very clear understanding that Jesus was happy with me. Happy that I was willing to stick with a tough situation and protect my marriage despite my husband's mental and physical illnesses. Happy that I tried so hard to get my husband to reconcile. Happy that I have not become overrun with anger and hatred for my husband. Happy that I have committed to do my best to raise these 5 children up for His Glory - all by myself. I have done what Jesus wanted me to do.

And in return, I feel so full of confidence that He is caring for me, that He has great plans for me and my poor abandoned children. I realize today that this unhappiness, this terrible burden I've born for all these years - this is not what Jesus had planned for me. Free Will is a heck of thing. Jesus gave my husband a devoted wife, who would have sacrificed anything for his wellbeing, and 5 *beautiful* children who are the delight of all who know them. And in return my husband mistreated us all and then turned his back and abandoned us to go live a life of sin. This was not Jesus' plan. But He can turn the worst misery into something fantastic.

Now I belong in whole to Jesus - I am no longer bound. I am free to follow the Will of God, and God is caring for me and my children so tenderly.

I don't know what road Jesus is setting me on - I only know that with all my heart I want to follow it. Maybe He is calling me to joy-filled religious life after my children are grown. Maybe He has just the right devout Catholic Widower who would be ecstatic to be my husband. [Maybe that man has 7 kids too - I always wanted an even dozen. How cool would that be?! LOL! ;) ]

So, I really feel like I've crossed a bridge here - and now I am happy to be on the other side with my Lord. I trust His lead and I am happy to follow.

I am going to forever after this remember "If You Want Me To: The Best of Ginny Owens" as the CD that got me through my divorce. Today I feel like this:

Free
by Ginny Owens

Turnin' molehills into mountains,
Makin' big deals out of small ones,
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens,
This is how it's been.
Fear of coming out of my shell,
Too many things I can't do too well,
afraid I'll try real hard, and I'll fail--
This is how it's been.
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door,
And You shouted joyfully,
"You're not a slave anymore!"

Chorus:
"You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love,
'Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free

My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity and changed the course of history,
Because You loved me so.
And my heart cannot understand
Why You'd accept me as I am,
But You say You've always had a plan,
And that's all I need to know.
So when I am consumed by what the world will say,
it's Then You're singing to me, as You remove my chains-

Bridge:
Free from worry, free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile


In other news, I didn't kill my toddler today, and this is why:



How can you strangle them when they are so darn cute? LOL! Tonight she told me she loved me for the first time ever! She has been telling her dad this for a LONG time - maybe a year or more, but would never say it to me. I am constantly telling her I love her, but she never says it back. Tonight I told her I loved her and she looked me right in the eye and said "I love you too Mommy!" Boy, I sure am glad I decided to let her live yesterday. :)

We are back on track with homeschool - after a few hit or miss weeks [for obvious reasons!] we've had a full and great week. Here are the monkeys at school:



Monkey3 got smacked in the mouth by her brother accidentally and has a big fat purple lip. I tried to get a picture of it and really couldn't. This was the best I could do:



And I got a hair cut. I like it. :)