And Sometimes I'm Just Silly....

So, my kids have been singing this one nursery rhyme over and over for weeks and it is totally stuck in my head. Do you know this one? "Oh Dear, what can the matter be?" and it goes on and on about Johnny who is running late bringing back ribbons from the fair? Well, I can't get it out of my head [I'm even driving my kids crazy because I keep accidentally singing it under my breath LOL!]. And now it has evolved into its own lyrics to fit my life:

"Oh dear, where can your father be?
Oh dear, where can your father be?
Oh dear, where can your father be?
He promised he'd always be here!

He ran off and left me with a sweet little baby,
He ran off and left me with a sweet little baby,
He ran off and left me with a sweet little baby,
To pull out my bonny brown hair!"

[Guess who keeps pulling out my hair non-stop all day?! LOL!]

OK, yeah, I may just be nuts at this point. ;)

Things are good around here, more or less. We are doing much better than I ever would have thought we could do in this situation.

I think everything is going to work out OK. I think he's going to sign the divorce agreement, giving me both child support and some alimony. And he's taking the house and selling it.

Today he was reiterating the fact to me that he wanted a new life and wanted to be "somebody different". It seems that he has convinced himself that it is perfectly OK to do this as long as he takes care of the kids financially [and by taking care of them, I mean getting us AT poverty level as opposed to below it :( ]. He very clearly plans to finish this divorce and move on like we never existed.

The kids are all having abandonment issues now - and my 4year old is taking it worst of all.

Her sweet personality is really changing [she's being mean and disobedient and picking on and bullying the other kids now, and she used to be the sweetest, most obedient thing ever] and she keeps bursting into tears crying "I miss daddy! I want my daddy!". To her, he was her great dad that she adored, and she is too little to understand what is happening. It is heartbreaking.

And my 2yo is freaking out every time I leave her sight now and prior to this she was so independent it was like I didn't even exist. She has *never* cared whether I was in the room or not - I mean, she likes me and all, but she's always been such her "own little person" doing her own thing that she didn't have time to be bothered by whether mom was near by or not. Now she's afraid I'll abandon her too - and why not? Her daddy did. And she is TOTALLY too little to understand.

And the baby [8mo old now!] will NOT let me put her down at all - if I'm not holding her or having her in the backpack, she is SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF. It is *exhausting*. I like to hold her, I have always held her a lot [she lived her first 3 months ON MY BODY 24/7 LOL!], but I would like to be able to set her down with some toys for 15 minutes while I cook up dinner, you know? It is wearing me out.

And I've told my husband these things and he doesn't care *at all*. It doesn't bother him one bit.

But, abandonment issues aside, I think we are all doing much better now in his absence in the grand scale of things. ALL of us are more happy and relaxed, there is a million times less tension in our home [in fact, except when he visits, there is no tension]. I think it will work out OK in the long haul, my 4yo is the only one I'm really very worried about. I am trying to arrange lots of one on one time for her with friends and family, and especially my brother who she is best buddies with. I hope he will fill that need she has for a playful, loving father figure.

So, pray for all the monkeys, but especially for monkey3. She's an awesome little girl - and like all my kids - she deserves a lot better.

And what about me? I'm better. I was sad yesterday when I went to the lawyer and I was teary on and off all day, but his behavior is such now that I can't really say I will miss him. [I don't even know who he is actually]. I am really happy with my kids and our daily life is good. I dread moving [more than I can even express - we have had to move SO much in the past 6 years because of his health issues and problems that it makes me want to vomit. This will be our 5th move since 2002. ugh].

But other than that, I am happy. And I feel very peaceful about it all - I am praying and discerning and trusting the Lord to provide, and He is, of course. I feel like I am right where the Lord wants me to be at this moment, and He is working great things for the kids and I.