Well, I'm trying to keep this blog updated because I'm getting so little computer time [at least on nights I actually sleep :) ] that I am having trouble responding to email from dear friends right now. But I want to keep folks updated, so here's the latest.
We are doing really well, the kids and I. We have gotten our routine down. The kids are chilled out and I am chilled out and we are just relating without being stressed out. We've got the bedtime thing down. We've got dinner time sorta down [OK, the baby still spends most of my dinner prep time crying, but at least she no longer spends ALL of that time crying, poor thing!].
My sense of peace is very deep now. I feel the Lord caring for us, and I am feeling a remarkable absence of anger and sadness now. I feel *completely* open to God's plan, probably for the first time in my whole life.
Now I have to decide where to go from here. I have an appointment with my lawyer tomorrow. I am, I think, filing for divorce. Though my husband says he wants a divorce and refuses to try to reconcile, he isn't actually filing for a divorce, so its kind of weird.... but without a divorce or some sort of legal agreement, the kids and I have no protection and no claim to any of his income... sooooo.... I'm trying to figure out what to do. His behavior has been erratic too, so there is always the chance that the longer I wait, the more likely he is to go off the deep end. [I'm extremely worried about him actually, but I have realized that I must put the children's needs ahead of his right now because of the choices he's made].
After careful thought this weekend, and much advice from others, I have come to the conclusion that we cannot afford to keep our house. I love the house, the kids love the house, we don't want to move - but it would be a very irrational decision on my part to keep the house. We have a high interest rate loan, so even though the house is pretty modest, our payment is high. I don't think there is any way I will be able to swing that payment on child support and my part time salary. And, there is a lot of stuff wrong with the house that our home inspector missed when we bought it 18 months ago - it needs probably around 40,000 in repairs, and some of those repairs are going to have to be done soon.
So, I've decided to let my husband keep the house, and the kids and I are moving out to a rental. And I've asked him for a lot less money in exchange, since he'd be responsible for that mortgage.
Now I have to decide where. I can rent something very inexpensive in the town where I grew up, which is about an hour north of where I live [and have lived for the last 19 years]. I would be near my parents and my sister and brother, who have all been a God send over these last few weeks and they want to help me raise the kids. BUT, we have to leave behind the friends and support we have where we live now - and that is very painful. We have so many truly excellent Catholic friends and such a wonderful Catholic homeschool group locally - it is very hard to leave behind. My family is not Catholic, and that worries me too. I don't want the spiritual training of my children to suffer. But my family is very loving and they are great for the kids in other ways.
But, if I rent near where we live now, the rent will be MUCH higher for something smaller and less nice. Getting by on child support and my part time salary will be much harder if we stay where we are, and where our friends and support group are.
I just don't know what to do. The kids are excited about the idea of moving closer to their grandparents, I told them we'd try to get a home where we could have a couple of goats and some chickens [something I've always dreamed of :) ], and they are thrilled about that idea. And thrilled to be so close to their relatives. I am excited about that too. But I am both sad and afraid to leave behind the proximity to my dear friends and our Church family and homeschool group.
Its a tough choice.
But that's where things are right now.
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4 comments:
Thanks for the update :->. You are living one of my nightmares as a SAHM: that my husband could lose his mind and leave us. You are constantly amazing me with your strength. In some ways I hate to keep coming back to read - I feel like a voyeur to a horrible accident. But you are an inspiration instead. (Don't take that as pressure to perform, melt down as often as you need to.)
One practical thought, just so you aren't totally surprised at the lawyer's office :-<. If your name is on the mortgage, the bank can still come after you for the payments if your husband stops making them, whether you have a court judgment or not. The only way I know of (personal experience selling a business with co-signed loans) is to have your husband refinance the home completely in his name. Hopefully your lawyer will explain that better than I have...
Other than that, good luck with your hard choices!
One more thing, I was thinking about growing up without much money... One book I really liked was "A Room for Cathy" by Catherine Woolley.
Well, I'm just in online-advice-giving-mode tonight ;->.
I hope you get some sleep.
Kelly, you sound so strong & focused. I'm continuing to pray for you and yours -- and I hope the decisions you make in the coming weeks bring you some peace.
I think you have a lot of tough decisions to make right now but at least you are in process of making them. A lot of women would still be in the shock stage and you are taking action. This will be a real help in your family's survival.
In my situation; I had to do all the filing and paperwork and was lucky to get my ex to sign the divorce papers as he was such an indecisive kind of guy in those matters.
Patience
Not a bad idea to let your husband keep the house, especially if it's in his name and needs lots of repairs. There ARE definite advantages to renting. I wouldn't ask for too much less money, though - you still need to live and support your kids! Also, perhaps your proximity could be a bargaining chip - he has indicated before that he wants you close - then ask him to pay you more so you can afford that, kwim? Also, have you thought about how close you are to your work? If you had to drive 90 minutes to get to where you work, that could be an issue. I like the idea of a property with chickens and goats, though. We'd come visit! :-)
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