Why?

I hate to be the one to ask stupid questions, but I have a few questions for my toddler....

WHY did you pull a giant knife out of the kitchen drawer while I was nursing the baby? And why, then, did you stick it in the butter that I had put up out of your reach and proceed to smear butter all over the kitchen and yourself? And HOW did you manage that in two minutes - the baby wasn't even latched on before your sister started screaming about the butter all over the tile....

Why did you take the baby's goldfish and smash them all over the kitchen and family room while I was in the bathroom?

Why did you steal another knife and take it to the bathroom to cut up stuff? [again while the baby nursed...what is it with you and knives and the baby needing to nurse?]

Why did you take a pencil and stab all the grapes and squash them all over the floor while you were supposed to be eating lunch?

Why do you constantly remove all cushions from any sofa you can get to?

Why did you fill a bucket with dirt from the back yard and then spread it all over the kitchen tile?

Why did you push the ice dispenser over and over until ice was all over the floor?

Why did you steal your sister's cup and fill it with water from the fridge dispenser until the water ran down your arm, soaking all your clothes, and then into a big puddle at your feet?

Why did you stab your big brother with a pen? Several times through the day?

Why did you refuse to buckle into your car seat every time we had to leave the house and then have a meltdown when I did it for you? [after giving you fair warning?]

Why did you steal your father's old girl scout cookies from the freezer and run off and hide while you bit the package open with your teeth so you could eat them?

Why do you keep stealing cans of food from the pantry, taking them to the playroom, and removing the lables and tearing the labels into tiny pieces? Because, you know, if you WANT all of your meals to be a surprise, I can just NOT tell you what we are having...

Why do you refuse to get dressed and then freak out because I'm not helping you get dressed and then freak out because I *try* to help you get dressed - and then scream "me do it myself" - until I pick up the baby and then you throw yourself into the floor screaming that you need my help? And doesn't it hurt to throw your body backwards into the floor like that?

Why have you lost one half of every pair of shoes you have - which is at least 6 pair? What do you do with them? Are you burying them somewhere in the back yard? Do you feed them to the dog? Do you have access to an alternate dimension that I am not aware of?

Why must you write on every book anyone loans to our family?

Why must you sneak pens and give all your baby dolls prison tatoos?

Why must you also give yourself prison tatoos?

And what was the deal with my bedroom carpet? I mean, OK, I get the whole squirting out the whole tube of toothpaste into the carpet [again...] while I'm bathing your sister, but really - HOW did you break into that childproof cabinet and remove that Clorox Cleanup and then successfully spray it all over the smeared into the carpet toothpaste in a large circle in the middle of my bedroom floor? And how did you do that in 3 minutes? And are you happy with that decorating decision? Personally, I thought the carpet was a good color before you made the change.

Why take the whole bag of Newman's Own chocolate alphabet cookies and scatter them from one end of the downstairs to the other? What do you have against Paul Newman?!

Why are you naked almost all the time no matter how many clothes you originally put on?

Why poop in your pull up and then take it off outside in the backyard and then sit your poopy bottom in the dirt for a while before you come in and tell me "Mama, I poopy". Didn't that hurt? I mean, I've scrubbed some pretty noxious crud off your booty before, but never sticks and rocks...

Do you bi-locate? Because honestly, I do NOT know how you manage to do all this in one day. I wish I could hire you to do something constructive, because girl, you are definitely a *GO GETTER*. If I survive your toddlerhood, it will be really fun to see how you turn out.