This has been a really bad week. The worst week of my life. I am trying so hard to keep it together for the kids, but I just don't see how at this moment...
On the one hand, I'm just reeling from the very idea that the man I loved so much would do this to me. It just doesn't seem possible. Every day I feel like I am in someone else's nightmare. I adored him - I constructed my whole world around him and our sweet family. The devastation I feel I can't even put into words - how do people do this every day and go on acting normal and getting on with life?
Then, there is the work aspect. I work nights and weekends and I have for 8 years now, so that I could be home with the kids in the day and their dad could watch them while I was at work, so they never had to be in daycare or any situation like that. Now I am in a spot where, suddenly, I have to find child care for 5 children, 8 and under. I can't afford to PAY anyone to keep that many kids of course. And it is so hard to keep asking other people to watch them - I have many wonderful friends who are trying to help me, but it isn't *their* responsibility. I don't want to keep dumping my children on other people. Yet I have to have the job so we can survive. Right now I am working almost full time hours [34 hours a week] and I'm trying to get some of my classes covered so I can work less because I CAN'T get childcare for that many hours - and I can't get coverage for my classes. If I don't teach the classes I lose my job. If I lose my job, we don't eat. Its just awful.
My children usually go to bed at 7pm too, and I work from 6pm - 10pm usually [sometimes 5pm if I have to work at the hospital farther from me]. They usually sleep most of the time I'm at work, so they don't miss me that much.
Well, now they are being kept out till 10pm or later every night I work because they are in different homes with friends - and it is taking a toll on them. Last night my baby cried the whole 4 hours I was gone. Aside from the fact that I feel guilty for leaving my kind friends with a screaming baby for hours on end, it just TEARS my SOUL that she had to cry like that. I have never let my babies cry - I have always been there for them, to comfort them, hold them, keep them safe and happy. And now I can't do that, and my sweet little 7 month old cried for 4 hours straight because her mommy deserted her with "strangers" [she is in the middle of the stranger anxiety stage right now]. It is killing me.
I have used "Attachment Parenting" with all of my children, and I have always been intensely involved in their upbringing. I have always very willingly gone above and beyond in this mothering bit because my goal has always been to raise excellent adults - truly outstanding individuals that will leave this world a much better place for having them in it. I have always kept my eyes on that prize, and now I feel like that is being snatched from me - I feel my children being scarred, I feel their little hearts hardening, I feel their anger and their pain, and I know they will never be the same again. And all of this is being *caused* by the one person I thought would always adore and protect us. I can't reconcile this.
Here is Monkey1 putting on a pose. She has been sooo angry the past two weeks, and she has blamed me. I understand it is normal, but it hurts. I am so powerless in the whole situation, and then my precious baby is mad at ME because her dad left. It isn't fair, but then, I know life isn't fair so I need to stop whining.
All the kids have been on pretty awful behavior since he left - everyone is traumatized I guess. It definitely makes the adjustment harder though when my normally wonderful, well behaved children suddenly act like they are possessed or something.
Monkey2 seems to be the only kid who is doing better since his dad left. He is much more relaxed and laid back, from being a high strung kid before. It was difficult living with his dad for all of us, but I think maybe he was affected the most [he's the most sensitive kid I have by far].
Here is the baby Monkey. She is 7 months old now and so cute. She's sunburned - don't know if you can tell from the pics, but I was so overwhelmed and preoccupied yesterday that I forgot about sun protection for soccer. The kids play [and love] homeschool soccer, and it was really nice to start back yesterday and see everyone. But I forgot sun protection and all of us are kind of burnt today, even my poor little baby. Now she'll probably get skin cancer when she's 40 and it will be all my fault...
Here are Monkey3 and Monkey2 with Tyr the dog. Tyr has turned out to be a handful. He has a wonderful personality and loves the kids - and they love him - but he has serious behavior problems. I should have known I needed to keep him more than a week to figure out what his real personality is [sometimes it takes fosters a couple of weeks to get comfortable in a new environment before they start to act like "themselves"], but I just didn't. I'm still glad we have him, and all his problems are fixable with training [which I don't have time to do now], but he's handful for sure. He likes to pee in the floor. I have never had trouble training any of our dogs or foster dogs, I usually have them trained in 3 days, but this guy is apparently impossible to completely housebreak. ugh. He also likes to steal food from counters and table tops, chews everything - including chairs and couches - and some other more minor problems. He will be a good dog...someday. LOL!
Monkey3 is not dealing well with her dad leaving. She alternates between bursting into tears and crying "I want Daddy" to terrorizing the other kids on purpose and doing stuff just to cause trouble. Which is wearing me out on so many levels. I feel so bad for her - 4 is still too young for her to really understand what is going on.
I tried to get a picture of Monkey4 the 2yo, and this was the best I could do. She has slowed down her race to dominate the world and is just being a happy, laid back kid these days. That is a blessing.
I know that we are so blessed. We have been so surrounded by love and friendship and that is what is pulling me through. I know that one day we will get a new routine and find our new "normal", and that life will be good and happy and sweet once more. I know that God has great things in store for us.
But right now it is just really hard. Please pray for me to have the strength to carry this incredible load that has been placed on my shoulders. Please pray for me to keep in my awareness that this is an opportunity to grow closer to God, to keep myself in line with His will, and to trust in Him even more than ever before - this is an opportunity to learn to trust completely in God's provision.
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