And The Baby Screams On....

OK, I'm having a not so good day today.

The baby cries all the time. It is killing me. She has this "I MUST be held at all times and only by mama" thing going on - she is happy as long as I am holding her or have her in the baby back pack. If I don't do one of those two things for even a second, she screams her head off. [And I imagine this is stemming from abandonment issues since this cropped up right after her dad skipped out in the middle of the night].

It is exhausting. Seriously. I LOVE to hold my children. NONE of my children have ever had to sit in a bouncy seat or exersaucer and cry - they just haven't. And now, my poor little Monkey5 is *having* to do that sometimes - every single day. There are times when I need to cook, when I don't feel comfortable having her in the backpack. There are times when I need to bathe other children where I can't hold her. There are even times when I have to use the bathroom where it is difficult to hold her. ;)



Hearing my baby cry, and knowing that I am doing the *BEST* that I can - I am running at 200% ALL the time, 24/7 - and knowing that it is NOT enough and will never be enough. Ugh. Its just heart breaking.

And when she's crying, I get very short tempered. If I'm trying to get the toddler dressed, for instance, and she is resisting [which, of course, she always does - no matter which tricks and magic I try to use to get her to cooperate], and the baby is crying because I can't hold her and toddler wrangle at the same time - well, I get irrationally frustrated with the toddler - I want to scream at her "The baby is crying and it is YOUR FAULT because you won't cooperate so I can finish this and go pick her up!!!!". Which, of course, it isn't her fault at all. Its her father's fault. And he's the one I really want to scream at every single time I see my precious baby turning beet red and screaming and crying massive tears - it wounds my heart and I wish he had to pay somehow for that and for what my baby is going through.



And then there is the two year old. This kid is a force of nature - I mean, she truly is. I am sure one day she is going to be famous for something spectacular because she's too smart and too full throttle not to be. But when she's 2 and I am a single mother... well, it gets a bit weary. I want to make a list of all the crazy, destructive things she did just today, but it wears me out even trying to recount it all. Suffice to say it was enough damage and frustration for a normal toddler to accomplish over a month or two. But not my Monkey4, no, she has to *excel* and pack all that destruction into one day.

*sigh*

Its actually causing me problems with my job, because people are hesitant to baby sit her because she "gets into things". [This is my friends being polite - it really means "That kid is a force of destruction and there is no way you are leaving her at our house again". LOL!] I have a couple of brave friends who will still watch her, but I think even those brave souls are growing frustrated.

And there's nothing I can really do about it - she's not trying to be "bad", she's not even trying to be destructive - its just who she is. She is *indomitable*! [Look that up - it is the perfect definition of this kid! LOL! "Incapable of being overcome, subdued, or vanquished; unconquerable."]

And as she gets older, I know it will really make her into the most fascinating person, the most truly amazing human. And it makes her truly amazing right now - but gosh, I'm so tired... ;)




Which brings me to the 457th thing I feel depressed about today - my house is a disaster area. I just had that cleaning service in a week or so ago, and you'd never know it. This picture above is Monkey4 after she dumped the entire toy box out all over the playroom [and the contents of one toy box can cover an entire 12x12 floor I found out....] so she could climb in. A foolish person would maybe even ask her "Why on earth did you do that?" But of course, the answer would be "because I could".

I made a "last ditch effort" to save my marriage this weekend. Even swallowing my pride enough to offer my husband the deal that he could continue to live separately and just see us when he felt stable enough to be here - otherwise he could do whatever he wanted. He called this morning to tell me he still wants the divorce and doesn't really want to be involved with our family. And he was being really mean and rude to me. Now I feel stupid for even trying, but gosh - I just felt like Jesus wouldn't want me to give up on him without really trying my *best* to save him and the marriage.

Well, at least I can walk away knowing I really tried my hardest to save this marriage. And I'm still so totally blindsided. Two months ago I thought I was blessed with one of the happiest marriages I knew and I was *totally* devoted to this guy. My head is still spinning that he is capable of this and I never realized it. How stupid am I?

Well, I guess that's a pretty open ended question isn't it. ;)

He has, quite literally, broken my heart. I still can't wrap my brain around what he has done. I am just trying now to make sure I don't let him break my spirit [because today I feel really, really broken].

So, now I just try to muddle on through. I am tired and I am overwhelmed. Sometimes things are REALLY bad here [like tonight - it was really bad. I mean awful.] Most of the time things are going pretty good - I'd say 80% of our days are good ones, and I know that number will increase as time goes on.

I have to figure out some way to relate to my husband without feeling hurt every time I see him, and that's hard. [Not that I see him much - I've seen him 3 times in 4.5 weeks]. And I have to figure out how to help the kids do the same - they are on TERRIBLE behavior for about 48 hours after they see him and they can't sleep, they wake up all night, they fight, scream, yell and generally make life very difficult. Maybe its not such a bad thing that he doesn't want to be around. We just have to learn how to live without him when we all adored him so much. I know we will get that down.

And Jesus still hasn't sent me any obvious signs, but I've decided to try to keep our house. The emotional impact of quite literally losing *everything* because my husband decided to run away and be a swinger ... gosh, it was just too much. Letting the house go was just too depressing, and trying to move with 5 children in the middle of a divorce was making me feel so overwhelmed I wanted to just drown myself. So, I'm going to try to stay here for the next year or so and then reconsider then - and by then I'll actually have some equity in the house, a much better place to be. Besides, nobody wants to rent a home to a woman with 5 kids and 2 dogs in the first place - I'm not sure we could have found anywhere to live!